written by: Daniel A. Liuzzi
Good evening everyone and thank you for tuning in for the first annual “SEASONS BEATINGS” Wrestling match with me your host Aaron “The Baron” Stansky! We are moments away from the grudge match between the Count himself, Dracula versus the jolly man himself Santa Clause! I know you’re asking, “Baron, why are they fighting?” well, listen up! Many of Halloween’s top celebrities and fans have been feeling cheated out of “seasonal time” with Halloween being pushed aside for two months of hype for Christmas. Of course Clause and fans are OK with this. It was not till last year Dracula himself threw the gauntlet…literally he threw a gauntlet at who he thought was the real Clause but turned out to be a charity volunteer dressed as Santa. A court hearing and a night in jail, Dracula threw the gauntlet again, FIGURATIVELY this time at Santa challenging him to a match to determine if Halloween will be celebrated as it was years ago or letting Santa move his season in earlier than before. Clause accepted the challenge and here we are!
Santa agreed to give Dracula “Home field advantage” allowing the match to be here in Transylvania! The crowd in the arena tonight is very excited to see this match! There are many nightmarish creatures and ghouls in attendance tonight but also both children and adults in costume enjoying the atmosphere. The air in and around this arena is electrifying- Whoa don’t get too excited Dr. Frankenstein sit back down! The ring announcer is in the center of the ring pumping up the crowd, telling people to throw their hands up in the air and the zombies are literally doing so! Witches are flying around the arena in a dazzling display of aerial acrobatics. Earlier we thought streamers were being thrown from the top level but it turned out The Mummy got too excited and stripped out of his wrappings before being escorted out by security, for shame Mummy, this is a family event! Wait, wait a minute! Ladies and gentlemen the event is about to start! Do you hear the sleigh bells ring? There he is coming down to the ring with his entourage of elves, the one who knows if you’ve been bad or good, the scourge of milk and cookies, Santa Clause! The reaction from the crowd is mixed, some are booing while others shout words of praise but I think these “Fans” are afraid of getting coal if they boo him!
There he is, standing in the middle of the ring in only his red pants being held up by candy cane striped suspenders, Santa Clause. The crowd is up on its feet now and the Phantom of the Opera plays the arena organ as a pyrotechnic show of sparks, fireballs, and fireworks erupts around the entrance to the ring, Frankenstein’s Monster is not enjoying that at all! Wait a minute; a bat just flew in from the rafters to the center of the ring- IT'S DRACULA! With a puff of smoke The Count himself just transformed in the center on the right wearing his trademark cape before tossing it out to a fan in the stands revealing a red singlet and black elbow and kneepads with white bat silhouettes on them. As the titans stare down each other, standing between them is our referee tonight…eh…I think they said his name is Tim who’s just standing there and staring off into space, I should note that Tim is a ghoul so this may make or break the match tonight!
With a howl from the Wolfman who’s acting as timekeeper the match is now underway! HOLY CRAP! For a fat man whose hundreds of years old, Santa Clause charges at Dracula and cloths line him, Dracula’s perfectly slicked back hair now a greasy mess on his head! Speaking of hair, Santa pulls Dracula back to his feet and kicks him in the gut forcing him to bend over before elbowing The Count on the back of the head! Dracula desperately crawls to the ropes to get out of the ring only to be pulled back by Santa. Dracula looks to the ref calling for a time out but the ref stands there drooling! Santa hooks both of The Count's feet under his arms and is spinning around while saying “Ho Ho Ho!” and Dracula screaming! I can swear but I won’t because children may be watching BUT I think Dracula has never fought hand to hand before! I thought it said here that Dracula had special training-AGGGH! Who replaced my notes with pages from the Necronomicon again?! Here are my notes, yes; Dracula was training under the legendary triple death cage champion Bill “The Boulder” Calhoun before his hospitalization due to anemia… I wonder why… Santa lets go of The Count who struggles to get back to his feet.
Dracula assumes the traditional bare knuckle boxing stance as he lightly wobbles. Dracula tries to swing but gets his fist knocked to the side, Santa said something about chestnuts-OH MY! He kicked The Count in the spot no man, Human or Vampire, wants to be kicked! Dracula’s knees are touching one another his skin paler than usual and his eyes are crossed! Tim do something, this is getting out of control! The crowd is getting restless, popcorn is being thrown from the stands, the occasional eyeball or two as well, boy I feel sorry for the Hunchback of Notre Dame who has to clean up afterwards! A zombie threw an arm into the ring and Santa picked it up and is punching Dracula with it before throwing it out of the ring-NO! PUT THAT DOWN! BAD BOY! Sorry ladies and gentlemen, the Wolfman chased after the arm when it was thrown out! Tim the ref is walking repeatedly into the corner of the ring completely oblivious to what’s going on around him. Santa bounces off the ropes and spears Dracula before sliding out of the ring. Santa is now looking under the ring and pulls out a ladder! What does he plan to do with that? Wait, Santa’s gone back under the ring and has now pulled out a Table and pushes it into the ring along with the ladder! Oh no, he’s not doing what I think he’s doing, yes he is!
Santa has set up the ladder and is now setting up the table in the middle of the ring. Dracula looks to have no energy left, he’s not getting up! Santa grabs The Count by his hair and throws him onto the table before climbing up the ladder that’s next to the table! My word, Santa is at the very top of the ladder, about twenty feet high! OH MY GOD! Santa belly-flopped onto Dracula and breaking the table underneath them! Santa is slow to his feet but is holding his hands up triumphantly! The match looks to be over folks but who’s that?! It’s the Krampus! The horned beast that helps Santa from time to time is running down the ramp to the ring with his bag that he puts bad children into. Santa seems happy to see the Krampus who’s now reaching into his sack and pulls out a steel chair-WHAT ON EARTH?! The Krampus just hit Santa over the head with a steel chair! Santa’s out cold from that hit! The Krampus is now climbing the turnbuckle with his sack over his shoulder, what’s he doing? He’s pulling something out and throwing it into the crowd, the crowd, especially the children in costume, are going crazy…it's candy?! The Krampus is throwing out Halloween candy! It looks like the Krampus is on the side of Halloween!
Dracula is still out cold but the Krampus pulls him onto the equally unconscious Santa. The Krampus turns Tim the ghoul referee around and Tim falls face first to the mat and while on the mat he raises up and slaps down his arm, ONE…TWO…THREE! With the howl of the Wolfman the arena is erupting with excitement! As everyone in attendance are chanting Drac-u-la! The Krampus has taken Santa Claus and stuffs him into his burlap sack and is now walking up the ramp out of the arena, something tells me that won’t be opened till Christmas! Dracula is still out from the match but is limply moving around the ring somehow? It’s the Invisible Man holding up the new champion of the “Seasons Beatings” match! What a match, even though it was one sided, once Dracula wakes up he’ll be happy I’m sure! Well Thank you everyone for tuning in! This is your host Aaron “The Baron” Stansky wishing you a Happy Halloween!
Daniel had two poems published in the June 2011 issue of the Taj Mahal Review and in the past contributed to Far Horizons E-mag.
Daniel is inspired by the works of Franz Kafka, HP Lovecraft and Vince Flynn.