written by: Brian Wayne Smith
Not even a week into the world and I’m fighting for survival, pneumonia straight out the womb. If that wasn’t bad enough, the medicine, penicillin, used to help cure me was also killing me. So when I tell you “I’ve been a fighter since birth.” Believe it.
Now, this isn’t going to be a “Feel sorry for me” piece. This is my “I have nothing to lose” masterpiece. I’m thirty five years old. Who do I have to answer to now beside my Savior? Anything I say now He already knew it. All I’m about to do is finally shine light on the main attraction. Me.
To understand why some people have a hard time seeing “the bright side” you’ll have to ask them why. Then listen and process their answer. To make them accountable you have to ask who and what. To make change you have to share with them how. Well it’s time for me to ask more questions. It’s time to be accountable by giving direct and pure answers. It’s time for change by showing you how. It’s time for you to see the world as I have seen it. So let’s begin.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS TIME
How do you truly see yourself? :
“Overall I’ll say a strong black male that became that way by overcoming every obstacle that got in his way. Though I also see that I’m guarded, vulnerable, skeptic and optimistic. I’m a human being with emotions. That I try to keep in check.”
Why do you try to stay positive? :
“There is a lot of negativity in the world. Why should I spread more? It’s easy to be negative. I want people to see that even in the worst of time there is a light of hope. Even when we feel like there isn’t. My job is to continue to tell you 'Keep looking'.”
Do you stay positive all the time? :
“No. It would be a bold face lie if I told you I don’t have moments of when I’m angry, sad, hurt, bitter, or any other unpleasant emotional feelings. But being able to recover or put myself back into a positive state of mind, quicker than before, is a blessing."
What are some things that upset you? :
“For me to be having a conversation with myself I couldn’t wait to ask a question that will make me vulnerable to the world. Well just to name a few. I’m pissed every time I see child support taken out of my account. It’s upsetting working at a job that you really don’t feel appreciated at most days. It’s unsettling to know a person could pay taxes all year and still pay more lately. It’s enraging to witness how a person could be under qualified for a work position and get that position. While another person could be turned down for a position because he/she is over qualified. At this moment these are just a few things that upset me, because these are the areas of my life that need closure or balance.”
Why does it bother you so much having to pay child support? :
“Why? Let me just get it out there. Would you want to pay child support to take care of someone else’s home? I don’t. Why can’t my income stay 100% inside my home? My kids have two homes and three working parents. Yet dad and step mom has to pick up their mother’s slack. Because she can’t take care of her own home off her own income. I’m not the man of that house anymore. Stop making me pay for it."
Isn’t it your responsibility to take care of your kids? :
“It’s my responsibility to take care of my kids at my home. Also it’s my responsibility to take care of my child technically. The US Government forced a parent to pay for a child that isn’t even of his bloodline. Not even adopted by. Not even a step parent and now ruled as only a “legal guardian” to the child. Became a parent based off the lie told by the mother. The US Government ain’t worth shit. They don’t give a damn that someone is paying as long as it isn’t them.
Why should I continue to pay a liar? This is how I see it; busted my ass in college. She dropped out. She gets pregnant, with another man’s child, while still dating me. She was still able to marry me knowing the child could be someone else’s. Then actually have a child with me. Fast forward the timeline. I started cheating on her because I knew something wasn’t right and I just wasn’t happy.”
If you knew “Something wasn’t right” why did you stay? :
“For the sake of my kids was why I stayed. One of my biggest fears was becoming what I called a 'Weekend Dad'. So I just did my dirt and tried not to think about the wrong I was doing. Not my brightest moments in history. The truth finally came out about everything. Naturally we got divorced. But she still gets paid an extra income every month because of her lie. Does that sound fair to you? What punishment did she receive for willingly deceiving me? Yet, she must not feel too guilty about it, because she’s still taking our money every month."
“Yes! As much as I’ve moved forward; this is the one thorn that truly hurt being in this lion’s paw. I’m still paying the price for being naïve. It’s sad when you’re counting down the years until you’re freed from a, court ordered, financial prison. As of now, I really don’t care how others may view me. This is how I’m feeling."
I'm a husband, father, electronic engineering test technician, writer, and student. Life is busy but I'm striving to live my dreams with my great family that I love deeply. There are times when I feel like a failure. Then I look at how many times I've fallen just to dust myself off and continue running the race. Now I can look around at my life and see that my "failures" were just locked doors that God wasn't ready to open yet.