Everything Yet Nothing, an essay by Vaishnavi Sharma at Spillwords.com
Andrey Zvyagintsev

Everything Yet Nothing

Everything Yet Nothing

written by: Vaishnavi Sharma


They say that Time teaches everything. It heals every wound. But what if you are not sure about the source of your pain? What if you are not sure about the existence of your wound? Will time heal you then? How will time realise that the healing is not just about removing pain? And that even if it heals the wound, something…something still makes your brain feel that you are irreversible?
Why couldn’t I think so much…before knowing you? Seems like so much would have been saved and yet lost. Perhaps even time knows…the history of my growth. It knows what I want, what I need and how literally everything, everything fades away…after making me realise that everything is unnecessary.
I trusted you…not because I loved you. But because I wanted to love you. Even after so many flaws in you that I knew, I trusted you. They say that I am not an emotional person. But I wanted to be attached to you…emotionally. I was tired. I was full of everything yet nothing when I found you accidentally. Yet something, something in your eyes…told me that I am going to know you… as no one else has ever known you before.
I knew the consequences. I knew what you were composed of…and what you wanted since day 1. But it is just time that made me weak. Made me doubt myself and trust you more than myself. I knew the trust was doubtful. But I don’t know anything, dear. All I have done in my life till now is to devote myself to my own self. I know the pain in my mother’s eyes. I know the confusion in my father’s eyes. I know the love in my brother’s eyes. All these things almost made me forget about what love means.
I worked. I strived hard. And somewhere in your eyes, I found that same feeling existed in them. I always trust my intuition. And this is what made me love you. But somewhere, you were taking me away from my worries and my happiness. I doubted, I trusted, doubted again and trusted you again…ending in an infinite loop. Only then did I realise…I need to love myself. I need to hold myself. I need to support myself as if no one else has done before. But still, I loved you even after knowing so little and yet so much about you.
Till date, I don’t believe in the excuse that you made for leaving me. You changed me. My confidence, belief system…consumed me like hell. And I think that I was never a winner in my life. Only a loser who thinks that she could win after doing so and so. After all, I could not unravel that simplest of simplicity in you…cause I associated myself with you.

After so many things…I strived hard to know what exactly happened to me. Whose mistake was it? Mine, yours, our age…or just time? The answer lies nowhere. Even after so many things, if you could just say sorry to me…I would have come to you. But No. That urge has lost in me now. Who wants to do that same hard work again? I don’t feel the necessity to get you again. Not enough courageous now.
The only thought that can now wake me up is…the belief that I worked on something, devoting selflessly. And that somewhere, a girl will again take the birth to unravel the mysteries behind her identity…selflessly, in order to achieve something more meaningful than you.

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