I Didn’t Win
written by: Alice Blackwell
winning shouldn’t feel like this;
elated, joyful, & beaming are what i should be emoting
but i’m cycling through confusion, disarray, guilt, regret, & fear
a discomfort has been bubbling in my throat.
we were not photographed in front of a hastily hung dollar general congratulatory banner
we have not shed tears of happiness
we’ve shed tears of finality, & tears of agony
i choose you, but at what cost
a death sentence to the other
quiet, violent sobs in between building normality with the “winner”
comforting words offered, but feel similar to bringing a fork to soup soirée
the hatred is palpable; i need an escape plan from the building resentment on both sides
this was not me
i did not fire the shot, or hold the bloody knife
but you continue to displace your feelings – it’s easy & convenient
i’m here for you
like moth to flame, cat & mouse, peanut butter & jelly
my fortune teller capabilities inherent, i forewarned this predicament almost 500 days ago
lost in substance misuse haze & accidental gaslighting
feet planted firmly in delusion & a growing wedge of resentment between two star crossed lovers
present day –
do you believe me now?
- I Didn’t Win - September 19, 2026
- Amygdala - June 6, 2026
- Trauma Bonded - February 19, 2026
