Let’s just be honest here, this is a safe space. Dating was a shit show before the pandemic. It was at best a shallow pool filled with leftovers and throwbacks, and as we get older the pool is becoming a puddle. (Remember the good old days when it was an ocean? Full of young and sexy fish and we threw them back because they were too nice? Damn, we had it good.) Then you throw into that glory a global pandemic where everyone treats each other like they more than likely have the plague. Masks are the new condoms. He’s all fine and dandy until he doesn’t want to wear a mask, “just for a minute”. It’s like “sponge-worthy” 2020’s edition. We must now ask ourselves, “Is this particular, dime a dozen, middle aged man worth dying for?” **Spoiler Alert** He’s not. How does it work now? You see someone in the grocery store, they have nice eyes, you smile, you realize he can’t fucking see you smile, then you second guess the smile because you have no earthly idea what the lower quadrant of this man’s face looks like. Nice eyes can be deceiving. You can go ahead and just take my word on that one. So assuming he doesn’t look like an ogre under there, then what? You go for a socially distanced what? Walk? Coffee? Do you slip the straw inside your mask? How many dates do you wait to unmask yourself? When are you allowed to go bareback? How often do you both get tested? I’m telling you, we are dealing with a whole new level of rules here, folks. On the bright side, it has solidified my decision to die alone. The recluse life is highly underrated. I’m choosing to consider this a personal win. Soon I’ll be scaring children off of my porch. I think I’ll practice on Noah, see how it turns out. Beautiful times we’re living in. Until next time, mask up. Oh and condom up too.
Ms. Fish is a writer, an omniologist and a creativity enthusiast. She loves cats, books, coffee, sunshine and art. She writes mostly nonfiction and poetry but occasionally dabbles in other genres. She firmly believes that kindness and creativity can save the world. She also really enjoys talking about herself in the third person because she’s socially awkward. She resides in Wilmington, NC with her son, husband and two cats.