What Once Was – A Love Letter
written by: Grace Elizabeth Renderos
We met on October 22, 2023. That’s about three years ago now, two and some months actually, but we know I’m no good at math. Whenever I’m having a hard time, I can’t help but to think of…. can’t help myself from missing you. Not only missing you, but reflecting on all of the pain and grief and happy times that came from you. I’m sure you know how much I wished and hoped and prayed things had gone differently, but they didn’t. We both played our parts in the ending of us. I still pray. I still care after all. Just like I still look out for that Chevy truck when I drive around town. There’s no point in ribbing you about the past. What good would that do? None, I’m sure. If you weren’t aware of your actions and how deeply they have had an effect on me by now, I don’t think a letter could convince you. I’m more offended, though, by your insinuation in your last text of us being close friends. Sometimes I go to the Unsent Project.com and look at the messages to “Grace.” I like to imagine the sorrowful, regretful, longing, apologetic ones are from you to me, but I know it’s not true. There’s only been one on there that I actually felt was from you, it read something along the lines of, “I think us staying friends was for the best, but I miss being close to U.” I hope you know or come to realize eventually, that we were never friends. We were never ever just friends. We were only lying to ourselves and each other. Liars? Sure, but just friends? Never. Strangers, then lovers, quarrelers, partners, liars, but you could never just be my friend, nor could I be yours. Please don’t insinuate such a thing; only I would rather you don’t. You don’t have to listen to me; it wasn’t your forte before, either. Would you even read this? Would it mean anything? Would I even send it? Not that you owe it to me, you don’t owe me anything, but I’m sure you already feel that way. I still mention you sometimes, talk about you, more often than I’d like, or that I’m proud to admit. Sometimes people ask me about you, “What happened?” Sometimes I say more than I’d like. Sometimes they ask why I dated you in the first place, I laugh because it makes me feel vindicated, but I think it’s mean. You were so beautiful to me. You stay in my mouth and on my mind more than you should. I can’t help it. I pray and pray and pray that God takes you out of my heart, but it hasn’t happened yet. To be clear, I am not still in love with you. I miss being in love and the fact that we had such intense chemistry; well, I don’t know for sure about how you felt, but I’d never felt physically as strongly for someone as I did for you. You felt like a magnet. You pulled me in so hard being away from you became unnatural. Talking to you felt so easy. I think of my life like a movie, and everyone in my life seems to have different directors and scripts, but not you. You felt like the same director, same script. What did Emily say? “Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” I haven’t had a conversation or felt like that before or since. Wow, this is long, what a chatterbox, huh? I recently saw the movie ‘Together,’ and in it, they reference mythology where people were originally two heads, four arms, four legs, but the gods were afraid that they were too powerful, so they separated them, cursing humans to search for their other half. I thought of you then. Too bad, I’m not sure for whom, but I believe in the real God. Actually, I am sure that it is not bad, but in fact, very good that I believe in Jesus, for both our sake, surely. I talk to Him about you after all. Not as often anymore, but still on occasion. What had you hoped to accomplish when you texted last August? Probably something like this, just getting things off your chest? Only I have many more words than you did, but that’s nothing new. Not entirely sure of my own intention with this, definitely not malicious, as you were often so quick to assume before. I want you to know that I forgive you, genuinely. Whether or not you feel like you need it or want it, it’s there for you freely. I hope you forgive me, too. There’s always more I feel could be said, but the horse has long been dead; better to let him rest. I hope and pray. “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Corinthians 13:13. I pray you embody love one day and that you find true love. I pray the same for myself.
- What Once Was – A Love Letter - September 20, 2026
