To Hell and Back
written by: Sarah Einelle
There was a little girl who loved her family,
very dearly,
loved her God and her people,
loved her country and her friends.
She was eager, proud, and ran so fast
She believed
in the goodness of people.
She was warmed and confident
in the relentless love that
her family and her God
bestowed upon her.
But it happened. Again and again.
And again.
She doesn’t really remember when it began,
And she stopped it at some point.
But until then, many winters and summers had to pass
Until then, she learned to ride a bike,
Grew a few inches,
Found mathematics easy and fun,
Fell so many times and still ran so fast.
As fast and far as she ran,
she thought she still carried
that love, that protection, that safety.
And time passes and it stayed in the past.
At least so she thought.
Until last year’s winter.
Until her world collapsed.
Until she found that on that day,
That day, she doesn’t even remember,
She had died,
And nobody had noticed,
Not even her.
Last year’s winter.
She couldn’t run anymore.
She had nothing to hold on to but herself
And no idea
No idea at all
Of who she was.
Heartbroken and Faithless
Terrified and Petrified
You saw her last year.
Did you see?
She just waited for her breath to stop,
For death
To simply come logically.
And when life and death
Reached an equal uselessness
She relaxed.
She had been swimming in a gigantic ocean for months now
With nothing to hold her hands onto
No sand to reach with the tips of her toes
Her muscles were tired and sore
She had swum right and left as far as she could and hadn’t found any anchor
She had desperately sought
For a reason.
She had cried to God
Along with so many, so many others.
Forgive us
Forgive us, God
But what kind of a sin a little girl would have to do
To deserve such a punishment?
Forgive us, God,
‘cause
You
Have sinned
And she knew that one doesn’t mess
with God
But He was the one
Who had messed with her in the first place
After all
And in an ironic incoherence
She still loved Her
To hell and back
But God
The last of all
Dawn of hope
Would not be
Enough
This time.
With a
Surprisingly calm fury,
She observed that
She might soon die indeed.
But she would fight to hell for
Herself
Whatever she was.
She locked her eyes with Fear’s
Took It by the hand and comforted It,
She covered the gigantic gap
That was her heart with the other
And serenely dived in
Confidently swimming
Further
Deeper
Until
She felt ready to explode
From the lack of air.
Naked
Bruised and scratched
Heart wide open.
She reached her hands out
And grabbed mine
I
Have been waiting for too long
For her to find me.
I am none’s daughter
I am nobody’s sister
I am no woman and I am no man
I serve no God
I am a citizen of no country
I am no victim and no survivor
I come from nowhere
And there is no limit to where I’ll go
I am the most undefined
I am infinite
I am terrifying and terrified
I am exciting and excited
I am wildly wise and confidently nascent
I can hold love and hate in one breath
I can find air where there shouldn’t be any.
I am free to think and choose
I don’t need
to be coherent
with you.
I am the one who truly loves her
and the one who will irremediably
and constantly be.
I am the one
who didn’t die
This
is me.
It is dramatic
Isn’t it.
Still,
You may wish it or not
But I know
You
Are infinite too.
- To Hell and Back - June 4, 2021
