Elf on the Very Wrong Shelf
written by: Kaitlin Brothers
There was a loud knock on the doctor’s door.
Well, it seemed loud. It was probably a normal, quiet doctor knock. But I’m not sure about my senses anymore.
“Hey there, Sam. How are—Sam, are you okay?”
“Oh. Yea, sorry, Doctor Ed. Come on in.”
I sat up quickly, and realized I’d been shaking. I must have looked pretty bad. Apparently, I was cowering in the corner of his bland, white office, sitting awkwardly on one of his small stools. I move over to his strangely stiff, plain white couch and try to look as normal as possible. Doctor Ed sits down calmly, crosses his legs, gets his clipboard and pen ready, then gently smiles at me.
“Okay, Sam. Tell me why you were brought in.”
“You already know, don’t you?” I reply, confused. My wife dragged me into this emergency unit after an unusual panic attack and told him all the major details. I figured he was just coming in to check on me, then let me out with some anxiety drugs or something. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him what I…think I saw. I wasn’t sure what was real. Up until now, I’ve never experienced anything abnormal in my life. I mean, I’m just your average financial advisor, going through most days plainly, and no one in my family is even remotely…crazy.
“I know what she told me,” he said, and took a small breath. “But I think it would be helpful for you to tell me in your own words. Just get it all out, then we move on. Sounds good, right?”
“Uh…okay, I guess. Let me think,” I pause, and look down at my lap. This wasn’t going to be fun. But I guess I can tell him what I think happened—then at the end, I’ll let him know I’m NOT crazy, and maybe I just have a wild imagination.
“I’ll start from the very beginning,” I said, then looked up. “And I’ll probably sound insane.”
***
It was Christmas Eve. The kids were finally put to bed after long hours of tiring them with stories of Santa, reindeer, presents, and candy.
“Make sure you sleep tight all night, or Santa will be upset. You want all your presents, right?” I said to Karly and Kaden after story time, and turned out the light. I shut the door, and hoped they would be out for the night.
My wife, Deb, was in the bedroom, gathering all the gifts for the tree. She picked up a big one.
“Karly is going to love this. She’s wanted the Barbie Girl Dream Mansion for a whole year.”
“Yeah,” I said. “But I think Kaden will love his life-sized monster truck even more.”
We laugh, and get all the presents to the tree in the living room. It looks nice. Everything is in place, and is picture-perfect. We even put their new stuffed animals in front of their gift piles, all ready to cuddle. A pink dog for Karly, a blue elephant for Kaden. I grabbed the kids’ Christmas cookies and took a few bites, but not all, to make sure it looks like Santa came and went.
“Well, that just about does it,” Deb said, stretching out her arms. “Time to sleep ourselves, right?”
“I’ll be there in a second…just need to grab something special from my car,” I replied with a wink. She smiled big, understanding, and went to bed.
She talked briefly about a diamond necklace months ago, and I was finally able to buy it at Zales, then hid it in my truck’s glove compartment for the past week. A place she’d never think to look.
Flashlight in hand, I shuddered at the cold as I opened my truck door. I released the compartment.
Then screamed.
“What the hell?!”
Somehow, our little Elf on the Shelf was lying in the compartment, next to the jewelry box. Didn’t I just see that stupid elf on the mantle in the living room?
“I must be tired…damn.” I laughed. “Come on, little guy. I don’t know what prank my kids are pulling, but you’re coming back in.”
I grabbed the elf and the box, went to the living room, and placed the little guy back in his spot.
“Now you stay put, OK?” I laugh again. Pretty good for a prank, I’ll give them that. I put the necklace box in my nightstand drawer for tomorrow. But before bed, I realized I hadn’t showered. Deb was asleep, so I went to use the hallway restroom instead of ours.
But when I got the shower on and hopped in, I couldn’t help but scream again.
There he is. That stupid Elf on the Shelf. Right there, on the counter in my shower, next to my shampoo.
“Fuck! How are you…DEB!!”
I snagged the elf, quickly got my sweatpants on, and stormed into our room.
“Deb,” I said, not as loud. She was already waking up from my previous shouts, no doubt.
“Sam, what happened? Please don’t wake the kids.”
“It’s this.” I shove the elf in front of her. “This elf. How are you moving it?”
“What? Moving it?”
“I know it can’t be the kids now,” I took a deep breath. “When I was in my car, there he was. In the glove box. I thought maybe earlier today, they somehow did that as a prank. I went and put him back on the mantle, but there he is again. In the shower. Just now!”
Deb laughs. “Oh, Sam. You’re just joking with me, right? I’ll admit, this is a pretty creative one this time.”
I get flustered. “No! I’m being serious. You’re the one joking with me, right? You somehow moved him to the shower?”
Deb gets up, and puts her hands on my shoulders.
“Honey, no. Maybe you’re just…tired. It’s been such a long day. How about I put him back, and we both go to sleep. I promise everything will be fine tomorrow. It will be Christmas, and you won’t even think of this. Okay?”
I try to breathe and calm down.
“Okay. Take it back, and I’ll try to sleep. Please, if it’s you…just don’t move him again.”
She snorts, and takes him back to his rightful place. Okay. It should be over now. It HAD to be her. She’s just joshing me, and she’s joshing me good.
I lay down, and she comes back into bed.
“See, honey? Everything will be fine. Goodnight.”
“Wait, Deb. I have an early Christmas present. I’m sorry for acting weird. Let me grab it for you. I know you’ll love it.”
She smiles, and I open the nightstand drawer.
“AH!”
I scream, trying not to be loud, but it’s nearly impossible.
There it was. That stupid elf on the shelf. In the drawer.
Holding the necklace box.
I slam the drawer shut.
“That’s it!” I get up.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Deb asks, sitting up in bed.
“It’s in there. That fucking elf. Someone is in the house, Deb. That has to be the reason. I know it couldn’t have been you. I’m going to get my pistol.”
“Woah, honey, wait!” Deb shouts, getting up. She grabs my shoulders.
“Hang on. Sam, I think you’re just seeing things. Here, let me open the drawer. I bet he isn’t even in there.”
“Wait, don’t—”
She opens it. The elf is gone.
What. The. Hell.
“Wait…” I trail off. I look around the room. “No one was in here just now. But I know what I saw. He was in there, Deb. That fucking elf was holding your box.”
“Well,” she says, pulling out the box. “I don’t see him, but I see my gift.”
She sets it down on the bed, then looks at me.
“Honey…I don’t know what’s going on. But I’m getting concerned. Come on, let’s go check the mantle. I’m sure the elf is right there, where I put him.”
Sure enough, there he was. There, on the mantle, with his stupid smile, looking at me.
“See? You’re just tired. No one is here. I’ll go open the box, then we can sleep. Alright, hon?”
I don’t say anything. We go back to the bedroom. The box is there, where she laid it.
“Just let me use the restroom first. You got me all flustered.”
She went to our bathroom. I go to the window. Someone is out there…there has to be someone around us, getting in and out of our house. They’re impossibly quiet, perhaps a professional. I’m not crazy.
I grab the pistol from under the bed. Quickly. I don’t want to see the elf under there, surprising me. Thankfully, it was fine. No elf.
I stand back up, pistol in hand. I face the bed.
And scream. “SHIT!”
There he is. That fucking Elf on the Shelf. Not only on the bed now, but…holding my wife’s new necklace around his neck.
I freak out. I shoot.
Twice.
My wife heard the gunshots. “SAM! What are you doing?!” She screamed from the bathroom door. I looked up to face her as it opened, my gun still in my outstretched arm.
She looks at me, then the bed, then back at me. I look down at the bed.
Two gunshot holes. One necklace.
No elf.
He was gone.
“Honey…I saw…”
She sighed.
She slowly takes the gun from my hand, and sets it on the nightstand. She holds my hand, and drags me to the living room.
The kids were already upstairs.
“Mommy, we heard loud booms,” Karly said.
“Daddy, what happened?” Kaden said.
“It’s okay, daddy just had an accident with his bad-guy weapon. Don’t worry, you two,” Deb said, still leading me to the mantle. “Go back to bed, okay?”
I look over. There it is. That fucking elf.
“Honey…” My wife says in a whisper. “I think you need some help.”
***
“And that’s the whole story,” I said, as I looked back up at Doctor Ed writing his notes on the clipboard. “I know what I saw, but I must have been stressed out and exhausted from work and the holidays. I guess my brain just… manifested that the elf was moving around. I don’t know.”
Doctor Ed slowly lowers the clipboard onto his lap, and looks at me carefully. He smiles.
“Oh, Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam.” He says, shaking his head. “You’re not crazy.”
“Oh,” I sigh with relief. “Thank God. I’m so glad you said that.”
“Of course,” he said, as he started to lean forward. “There’s just one thing you need to know.”
“Oh? What, that I need more sleep or something,” I reply, trying to keep calm. But his voice got really low all of a sudden, and it’s making me sweat.
He leans all the way down, his elbows on his knees, all while keeping his stare.
He smiled.
“Your elf…was just on the very wrong shelf.”
He looked right into my eyes.
“And you know what? He was waiting for you.”
I just stared. Waiting for me? Slowly, I sit up, look around the room, and…
There it is.
That fucking elf. MY elf. In his office.
Definitely on the very wrong shelf.
But wait, there’s something there. I slowly get up, walk to the shelf, and see…it can’t be. A laminated piece of paper on the wall, next to the elf.
It says, “Host expires 12/25/2025. Requiring a new human soul by 12/24/2025. New soul contact is—”
Shaking, I look toward the bottom where a name was written in pen.
SAM.
- Elf on the Very Wrong Shelf - December 21, 2025
