Her Royal Majesty
written by: John Oguntoyinbo
She had been like that from the womb-her royal majesty. Her mother spent two days in the labor room during her conception; Her Royal Majesty didn’t even make an effort to come out. She was forced from the womb-Her Royal Majesty never liked stress.
Growing up, everything was done for her. She was bathed, brushed, fed, clothed, and groomed by twenty-four-hour standby assistants. She had attendants for almost everything, to cry on her behalf, sweat on her behalf, walk on her behalf—Oh! She was a mass of gluttonous flesh! You see, she even had special herbs that made her unable to feel the pain of her monthly cycle.
On the night of her wedding, sexual fluids were passed from her consort to her through a carefully constructed tube, created by the best minds the kingdom had to offer. She didn’t want the stress of sex.
Her Royal Majesty never knew that trouble was coming her way; else she would have asked someone to take in for her.
Trouble started at the moment of conception; she had to carry something that no attendants carried on her behalf.
Her Royal Majesty was tortured by this new and strange phenomenon of work. When the child kicked, Her Royal Majesty would kick her advisers who, in turn, would kick the attendants, who would also kick the guards, who, in turn, kicked the people, who, in turn, kicked the neighboring countries, who, in turn, kicked back, who…
The point is the whole kingdom was troubled because Her Royal Majesty was discovering the nature of work for the first time. She would curse, scream, and shout. No one dared to tell her that the worst was yet to come. Women increased in size during pregnancy, but Her Royal Majesty reduced.
Finally, her water broke, and contractions set in. Her Royal Majesty was in labor. To date, that is recorded as the worst night in history. Her Royal Majesty screamed as she insulted the baby; she cursed the day she ever thought of getting pregnant. Her consort hid from sight, trembling and praying that she would not remember him; Her Royal Majesty was known for her quick anger and penchant for giving orders of beheadings.
As she wept and pushed, her attendants ran aimlessly like headless chickens. It was the first time that they couldn’t do anything for her. Her Royal Majesty was truly working for the first time.
Everyone was jumpy and scared. Like Her Royal Majesty’s kicking, the tension was transferred throughout her kingdom and neighboring kingdom.
Children didn’t dare to cry that night because only Her Royal Majesty was permitted to cry. Drunkards sat sober, the brothels were quiet, and the soldiers at the barracks were fully armed, prepared for God knows what. The priest’s voice could be heard praying to avert the wrath of Her Royal Majesty. No one knew what the overworked Her Royal Majesty would do after conceiving. The tension was palpable.
After over sixteen hours of screaming and pushing, the baby came out. There were no shouts of joy, no celebration, no congratulations; there was absolute silence. Even the baby didn’t cry. The whole world stood still.
Her Royal Majesty was exhausted. She struggled to get up, pushing away helping hands; she was furious.
How dare the child!
That thing!
That little bundle of pain and misery!
How dare that thing put her through so much pain?
There would be hell to pay!
She stretched her hands, and the midwife reluctantly passed the child to her.
The queen looked towards the cause of her misery for the past months and expected her hatred to intensify. But as she looked towards that little face, its eyes were squeezed shut and its little hand held and clung to her finger. Her Royal Majesty felt something strange; for the first time, she cared about someone besides herself; she felt love.
Her Royal Majesty just looked at the little girl in love and felt her heart clench at the thought of any harm befalling the child. She wondered how something so beautiful, fragile, and alive could come out from her, and at that moment, Her Royal Majesty began to cry. As her majesty wept, her attendants wept along, for they felt that they had witnessed a miracle. As everyone wept, the little child began to wail.
Her Royal Majesty was alarmed at the child’s cry, but the midwife smiled and said that it was normal for a child to cry.
That night, there were many tears of joy and sighs of relief throughout the kingdom.
History has hidden her name, but we know that she was the greatest queen to ever live.
History has covered the time of the event, but we know that it was long in the past.
- Her Royal Majesty - February 18, 2025
