The Alchemist and the Ghost
written by: Peggy Gerber
The alley was dark and abandoned. It was like a scene from a horror movie where serial killers lurked under every rock.
Jenna pulled her coat tightly around her as she jogged down the twisty road. It was a moonless night, and with only the flashlight on her phone to guide her, she stumbled repeatedly. She knew better than to complain about the lack of streetlights, after all, what she was about to do was not legal. She was on her way to buy a death potion. An untraceable one. The alchemist worked in a lab hidden in this dark alley, and Jenna was lucky to get an appointment.
With adrenaline pumping through her veins, Jenna continued down the path, determined to complete her mission. She began mumbling under her breath. “Why’d you have to abandon me, you son of a bitch? Why’d you leave me all alone with two little girls to raise?” A lump formed in her throat as she choked back tears, “I’m so mad at you, I could kill you. I’m buying this death potion because you left me no choice.”
A strangled moan escaped her lips as she pictured her husband’s death for the millionth time. She and Michael had been sharing a dish of lasagne at their favorite Italian restaurant, when suddenly he grabbed his head and slunk to the floor. The EMTs arrived quickly, but there was nothing to be done.
Now, a year later, Jenna was suffering from complicated grief. She thought of Michael every minute of every day, and life felt like such a burden. Her family begged her to see a therapist, but she didn’t get the point. It wouldn’t bring Michael back.
If it weren’t for her sister, Jenna didn’t know what she would have done. Alice came to her house every weekend and picked up the kids. She made sure they had two fun days with their cousins while Jenna lay in bed and cried. “Alice is such a good mother,” Jenna thought. “Maybe she should become their mother too.”
As time passed, Jenna’s thinking grew more and more twisted. She became convinced her young daughters would be better off without her, that growing up with a depressed mother would hurt them. So, she hatched a plan for her own demise.
Jenna first heard about the alchemist in a chat room for people who wanted to die by suicide. She stumbled upon the support group accidentally in a Google search and was shocked at how many people were in the group. In private chats, members shared their ideas on best ways to die, and when a participant mentioned the alchemist, Jenna’s heart quickened; she had found her solution.
The alchemist, she was told, was a witch descended from the Sparrow clan. Her specialty was untraceable potions, and Jenna felt like she had struck gold.
The night of her appointment, Alice came to babysit the kids. Jenna told her she was going to a support group for bereaved spouses, and Alice was thrilled. She embraced her sister and whispered, “Thank you for doing this, Jenna. I need my sister back.”
Guilty tears prickled Jenna’s eyes at the deceit, but she knew it was nothing compared to the big lie that was coming next.
When Jenna arrived at her destination, she knocked on the door six times, as instructed, in the pattern of a heartbeat. Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub. The alchemist met her at the door and escorted her into a room full of potions. It had shelves full of powders and test tubes, and liquids of all different colors.
Jenna’s first impression of the alchemist was that she looked like any ordinary pharmacist. She had on a white lab coat with a sparrow on the pocket and wore Harry Potter sneakers on her feet. Jenna gave her a quizzical look, and the alchemist laughed, “It breaks the tension.”
The alchemist pointed to a chair and suggested Jenna relax while she mixed the ingredients for the potion. Jenna closed her eyes and thought of Michael, feeling his warm presence. When the alchemist placed her package in her hands, it was like she was waking from a wonderful dream.
As per their agreement, Jenna paid for the potion in cash. There would be no receipt or record of any kind for this transaction. Jenna thanked the alchemist, and as she walked out the door, the alchemist called after her, “By the way, Michael said to tell you he’ll see you soon.”
That statement hit Jenna like a bullet to the heart, and she froze in her tracks. As she began to process the information, a radiant smile lit her face. She looked up towards the heavens and said, “I’ll see you soon, Sweetheart. I just have to do a few things first.”
As she stumbled home, Jenna thought about how the alchemist insisted she use the potion on Halloween eve. That was fine with her. She arranged for her sister to pick up the kids to take them trick-or-treating so she would be home alone.
The morning of October 31st, Jenna awoke with a burst of energy. She sang as she made her daughter’s breakfast and joked with them as they waited for the bus. While they were in school, she cleaned the house and laid out their Halloween costumes. Later, she helped them dress and did their hair. The girls were excited to see their mom happy and begged her to go trick-or-treating with them. “Jenna smiled sadly. “I’m sorry, girls, I have a few things to take care of.”
The girls’ disappointment didn’t last long because Alice soon arrived carrying plastic pumpkins with candy inside. They grabbed the pumpkins out of their aunt’s hands and squealed with delight. When Jenna laughed at her girls’ antics, Alice put her hands over her heart. “It looks like the support groups you’ve been attending are helping you. See, I told you it would get better.”
Jenna shook her head, “Yeah, Alice, you were absolutely right. The support group I joined has been so helpful. It’s such a relief to meet other people who understand exactly how you feel.”
Jenna bent down and gave each of her kids a hug before scooting them out the door. A tear leaked down her cheek as she watched them leave. It would be the last time they saw her, and she was glad she had dressed nicely. She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and mumbled, “You’ll be better off without me.”
With the children gone, Jenna got down to business. She went to her desk and took out an envelope containing her insurance policy, instructions for her burial, and a separate letter for each of her kids. She placed the envelope on the kitchen table and retrieved the packet from the back of cabinet, rotating it in her hands to read the instructions: “Put the powder in a teacup, fill with boiling water, add your favorite tea, and stir. Drink the full cup, and your wish will be granted.”
Jenna’s hands trembled as she poured the boiling water into the cup. She was excited to be free of her pain but also filled with a deep sadness. The past year had been a nightmare, and she drank the liquid quickly, trying the block out the image of her kids. When she was done, she put her hands together and prayed she would see her husband again.
She began calling out his name, “Michael, Michael, Michael,” and then suddenly he was there. He was sitting at the table in his regular seat, as real as the air in the room. He looked at his wife and scowled. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Jenna?”
Jenna jumped a foot in the air. Her momentary happiness at seeing Michael turned to fear. “Michael,” she said, “I missed you so much. I’m so happy to see you, but you don’t look happy to see me. I’ve been so messed up since you left us.”
Michael took a ghostly breath and wagged his translucent finger in his wife’s face. “Jenna, don’t you dare do this to our children. How could you think the kids would be better off without you? For God’s sakes, honey, they just lost their father, don’t make them lose their mother too.”
“But Michael, you don’t understand. Can’t you see, I’m ruining the kids.”
“No, Jenna, doing this would ruin the kids. They would blame themselves. Your death would become their legacy.”
Michael looked gently at his wife and said, “Jenna, honey, if the situation were reversed, would you think it was okay for me to drink a potion?”
Jenna’s face became a mask of horror. “Of course not. I’d want you to get help.”
“Exactly. Get some help, Jenna. There is nothing shameful about asking for help. The girls need you.”
Jenna sat silently, taking in her husband’s words. She began to sob, giant gulps of grief and guilt pouring out of her. She knew he was right and felt so ashamed. For the past year, all she thought about was herself. She hadn’t even tried to get better. As she contemplated Michael’s words, a sudden awareness crept in, “Oh my God, Michael, I drank the death potion.”
“Um, no, you didn’t, honey.” I was with you at the Alchemist’s and asked her to give you a potion so that you could see the dead. That’s how you’re seeing me right now? It’s going to wear off in just a few minutes, so get a piece of paper and write this down.”
Jenna looked around and spotted her daughter’s marble notebook. She pulled it towards her along with a number 2 pencil and said, “Ready, Michael.”
“Okay, Jenna, listen carefully. I want you to smile every morning when you wake up the kids. It’s okay to fake it. Each afternoon, I want you to ask the kids about their day and watch cartoons with them. Have pizza and ice cream at least once a week, even if you don’t feel like it. You can cry when the kids are in school, but not when they’re home. I want you to go to therapy and work hard to get better. That’s not negotiable. It won’t be fast or easy, and there might be setbacks, but you can do it. I know you can.”
“Will you help me, Michael?”
“I can’t come to visit you again, Jenna, but I’ll always be watching over you and the girls.”
As Michael’s ghostly image began to fade, he mouthed the words, “You’re stronger than you think. I love you.”
Jenna sat at the table for a long time, in stunned silence, staring at her husband’s empty chair. She let out a breath and scratched her head. “What just happened,” she said aloud. “Was it real?” She looked at the empty packet of whatever it was the alchemist had given her, picked it up, and crumpled it. She wondered whether it was a potion or a hallucinogen, then decided it didn’t matter. She knew Michael so well, she was sure this is exactly what he would have said.
Jenna stood up and tossed the empty packet into the garbage. She took the envelope with her papers and put it back in her desk drawer. She opened the notebook to a new page and wrote a to-do list for the next day, “Call therapist, watch cartoons, smile.”
As she looked over her list, a spark of hope blossomed within her. Jenna went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She covered her red, puffy eyes with makeup and called her sister. “Where are you, Alice?” she asked. “I’d like to join you and the kids for trick-or-treating. Maybe afterwards you can all come to my house for dinner. I’ll order a pizza.”
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