To Dodge a Bullet
written by: Bill Tope
“I can’t keep this up,” said Wallace fretfully, sifting through a catalog.
“I’m not interested in your sexual problems,” remarked his sister-in-law brightly, flashing an evil grin.
“You’re very funny, Suzanne,” replied Wallace. She took a little bow. “You’re as funny as a leak in an artificial heart,” he ventured.
“Whoops,” she said. “Forgot to laugh–again.”
“It may interest you to know what I’m working on,” he told her. She looked up. “I’m trying to find something for Roxie for our fourth wedding anniversary.”
“How about a divorce?” she suggested. He furrowed his brow in surprise.
“Think of it,” she said persuasively. “It’s something personal; it’s new; it’s something she hasn’t got, and probably longs for; and it would make her so happy!”
“Think of something else,” he told her.
She lapsed into a thoughtful silence. “How about a sexual device?” she asked unexpectedly.
“Wha…!” he cried out.
“No, you’re right,” she went on, “she doesn’t need one; she’s got you.” Wallace blew out a breath, shook his head wearily. “Unless, of course,” added Suzanne, “you’re not cutting the mustard…” and she left the thought hanging.
“We’re fine there,” he assured her.
“Not what I heard,” she said cryptically.
The brow furrowed again. “What have you heard?” he asked.
She tipped her nose into the air. “Nothing…” and left it hanging there again.
“Girl,” he said, “you are a piece of work.”
“Yes,” she agreed, “but you must find me attractive.” He cocked a brow.
“After all, I am Roxie’s identical twin.”
“You look the same,” he conceded, “but….”
“Oh, you’re dying to get your hands on me. Every guy dreams about twins,” she went on. He snorted.
“Wally, I’d like to give you something,” she said in a suddenly quiet and serious voice. He looked up from the catalog.
“It’s sort of a pre-anniversary gift,” she went on. She had his attention now. Suddenly she turned up a canister of Silly String and opened fire on her brother-in-law.
Green strings of plastic cascaded from the canister and soon had enveloped him. He made a grab for the can, but Suzanne was too quick for him and darted out of reach, continuing to inundate him with the webs of Silly String. Suddenly he moved rapidly, more rapidly than she had ever seen him move. He had one arm round her waist, the other clasping her hands behind her back. He laughed victoriously and she giggled maniacally. The can fell to the floor and rolled merrily away and the two of them stood in that intimate, awkward embrace, their faces flushed from the exertion. Their skin was hot where it touched the other.
His face was but inches from hers. He could smell the wintergreen mints on her breath, she the aftershave she’d given him last Christmas. She does look so like Roxie, he thought, and realized he was breathing hard, his heart hammering in his chest. And she seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Would he really kiss her? she wondered frantically. And would she let him?
The moment of closeness seemed to last a lifetime, but soon it was over and they each withdrew, back into their own space. He stood awkwardly, his hands now empty, but twitching. She edged around him and picked up the catalog which had fallen to the floor.
“I think that Roxie would enjoy these diamond studs,” she told him in a voice which crackled with nerves. They stood near but not touching. He peered at the page, seeing nothing.
“Thanks, Suzie,” he said gruffly. They simultaneously heaved a great sigh of relief.
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