Merry Christmas
written by: Gregory Matthews
I was ridin’ the line one Christmas Eve night,
About an hour away from the shack,
The snow was a snowin’ and the blow was a blowin’
And all that weren’t white was pure black,
I pulled up my collar and yanked down my hat
To keep me from gettin’ froze,
And I guess somewhere, between here and there,
I must’a started to doze,
I was dreamin’ of my folks and Christmases past,
And how it was when I was a boy,
Mama in the kitchen, Daddy playin’ fiddle,
And the front room all scattered with toys,
When all of a sudden, a big clap of thunder,
And old Tike he gave me a throw,
Ten feet in the air I woke from my slumber
And landed face first in the snow,
I pushed myself up and got to my knees
And checked me for broken parts,
When all of a sudden, I hear someone cussin’
A blue streak out there in the dark,
“That dadgum Dasher, that no good Dancer,
That miserable Prancer and Vixen,
If I ever catch that old Comet and Cupid
They’ll be as sorry as Donder and Blitzen,”
There stood a man in a dirty red suit,
With a red hat pulled half down his face,
A big red sack that was only half full,
And presents all over the place,
Quick as a whistle I located Tike,
There wasn’t a minute to spare,
This crazy old coot was from the lunatic fringe,
And boys, I was gettin’ out of there,
Then I heard, “Hey you, where ya’ think you’re goin’
Can’t you see I’m in a spot,
My herd all ran off, my sled’s on its side,
And you’re all the help that I got,
I know who you are and don’t think I don’t,
So, Son you better think twice,
It won’t take but a minute to get out my list
And move you to naughty from nice,”
So I turned around and hollered, “Who might you be,”
And he said, “Son, they call me Saint Nick,
Now give me a hand with this sleigh and these gifts,
Then we’ll round up them reindeer right quick,”
He explained old Dasher didn’t know his left from his right,
And he zigged when he should have zagged,
And there he went, you know what over teakettle,
Along with the sleigh and the bag,
So, after we got everything fixed back up,
I said, “Now what are we gonna do?”
He said, “There’s one thing them deer just can’t resist,”
Then he asked, “Ya got any chew?”
I said, “All I got’s an old pack of Beechnut,”
And he replied, “That’ll do,”
Then he opened the pouch and the smell wafted out,
And darned if what he said wasn’t true,
Out in the brush I could see sixteen eyes,
Then I could make out some horns,
I thought they were elk, but they were only pint size,
And they were reindeer as sure as you’re born,
The old man then hollered, “Where you boys been,
Come on, I’ll give you a dip,”
Then he walked over and gave each a hug
And put a big pinch in their lip,
After the deer were hitched an inspection was done
And the the toy bag was cinched down tight,
He turned and he said, “Merry Christmas Son,”
And his coursers they flew out of sight,
Then another thunderclap shook me awake
And there weren’t no one around,
No sign of Nick, no sign of the deer,
No sign of nothin’ to be found,
When I looked up, there sat the shack,
Old Tike had made sure I got home,
So I brushed him down good, gave him some oats
And let him rest his weary old bones,
I thought, “Man, what a night, it all seemed so real,”
But I knew it couldn’t be so,
All I could see was the moon in the trees,
And an undisturbed blanket of snow,
But then I saw somethin’ I couldn’t make out,
So I reached down and grabbed me a scoop,
And folks so help me, right there in my hand,
I held a pile of reindeer poop!
- Merry Christmas - December 20, 2024
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