The Last Mobile Phone
written by: Rex Fausett
‘Mister Clarke? Mister Reginald Clarke?’
‘Yes.’
‘Mister Clarke, may I call you Reg?’
‘No, you can call me Mister Clarke.’
‘Very well, Mister Clarke. I’m Alan Nathan from Aurelio Mobile Telephones, Communicators to the Stars. Have you heard of us?’
‘You’ve sent me a least thirty flyers in the last year, so, yes.’
‘Mister Clarke, we want you to have a mobile telephone. We … ‘
‘Want to persuade me that giving me the latest Aurelio mobile telephone will enhance my life immeasurably, and I will be part of the wider universe, and I can call anyone any time and take pictures of my breakfast, and my so-called loved ones will be delighted to interrupt me at any time, night or day. How much?’
‘A dollar a month.’
‘No, how much are you going to pay me? Look, I know what you’re up to. I know I’m the only person left in Britain over the age of four who doesn’t have a mobile telephone. I know that if I get one from you, you will plaster my name all over your advertising. “Last Man In Britain without a mobile phone chooses Aurelio. Taa-dah.” No, I’ll consider taking your product, and you can boast as much as you like. Two million pounds up front and you pay for a night out on the town once a week with a person of my choice, forever.’
‘I don’t think we … ‘
‘Goodbye, Mister Nathan.’ The door closed.
Knocking. ‘Yes?’
‘Can we talk about this, Mister Clarke? I mean, two million pounds … ‘
‘Don’t forget the night on the town once a week for two. Obviously, no call charges.’
‘I haven’t forgotten. Um, if you have a cat or a dog we can use in those ads, I’ll say yes, subject to approval from Head Office and a written contract. Okay?’
‘Call me Reg, Alan, and the animal sniffing your shoes is Fluffy.’
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:
I have no mobile phone, the only person among those I associate with who remains uncontactable. A tool of the devil.
- Muriel - October 26, 2025
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- The Bishop’s Nightmare - June 8, 2025
