The Perfect Wife
written by: Wortley Clutterbuck
The problem with sobriety
is swiving seems absurd to me;
I need a dram of alcohol
before I’m in the mood at all.
mm
Come drink with me, love isn’t free
and booze is cheaper, verily.
If only I could find a lass
who was inclined to raise a glass;
a saucy, swingeing wench who drank
like I do, then the Lord I’d thank.
Instead of playing piquet and
ombre, a bumper filled her hand;
instead of needlework and church,
she would make short work of this Kirsch;
instead of gossip, quid pro quo,
she’d help me knock off this Cointreau;
foo on the orphans’ charity —
let’s polish off this Drambuie.
There’s something special ‘bout a minx
‘tho in the fam’ly way, still drinks;
without avail to that brandy,
we mightn’t ever get randy;
the perfect wife is one who will
be happy living on Coqueville;*
we don’t need marriage counseling
‘cause blackouts solve most everything;
come drink with me, love is a myth —
I want a jade to get drunk with!
How did we ever reproduce
before booze gave us an excuse
for wanton acts of intercourse
no sober person would endorse.
* Beach village in Émile Zola’s “Coqueville on the Spree,” where a blood feud is resolved by shipwrecked casks of liquors washing up onto their shore
- The Perfect Wife - February 13, 2026
- The Demon - October 19, 2025
