AITA for Being Czar Nicholas II
written by: Zach Zajac
Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
A bit of background before I start. My wife (F46) and I (M50) are the humble iron-fisted rulers of a tiny intercontinental empire consisting of roughly 180 million peasants. We are the proud parents of five beautiful children, and our hobbies include going to fancy state dinners, going to fancy state balls, and gunning protesters down in the street.
We are very loved, which is a big difference between my father and me. The peasants hated Papa and tried to kill him all the time. They threw bombs at him. They shot bullets at him. They even made satirical cartoons. But they love me. I only face occasional assassination attempts.
The only mistake I’ve ever made was the time I got the entire Navy destroyed in a pointless war with the Japanese. But that is not my fault. You see, I am what most scientists would call a blithering idiot, and who the hell would give an entire Navy to a blithering idiot? That’s who’s to blame. If you think about it, it is God’s fault.
The problems began when I got involved in the deadliest conflict humanity has ever seen. You see, my cousin Willy is the emperor of Germany, and he can be a real dick. So I decided to teach him a lesson by declaring war on him. One thing leads to another, and the next thing I know, I am feeding an entire generation of young men into a proverbial meat grinder.
Of course, I did the only reasonable thing an absolute monarch in my possession could do— I kept shoving bodies into that meat grinder. I didn’t want to disrespect the brave millions of men who gave their lives for whatever this war is about. I support the troops, and the best way to support the troops is to slaughter them on an industrial scale. I think that was in the bible.
Well, that’s when the shit really hit the servant who fans me, because everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, started flipping out out of nowhere. All of a sudden, there were protests and riots and Soviet republics popping up like goddamn herpes sores. One of my butlers even asked to be paid for his work. Can you believe that? As if not beating him within an inch of his life wasn’t generous enough.
Needless to say, those pussies in parliament made me abdicate at gunpoint, which is total bullshit. I have literally done nothing wrong ever. Sure, I may have prosecuted a pointless war, but who amongst us can say that they’ve never participated in World War I? Everybody I know (the ruling class of Europe) thought it was a great idea.
But these guys from the Red Army who are keeping my family and me hostage seem to disagree. They keep saying things like “You’re a war criminal,” and “You’re a mass murderer,” and “We’re gonna shoot you and your family in the basement of this house.” It’s very confusing. It’s starting to make me think, am I the asshole?
So help me, Reddit. Am I the asshole for being Czar Nicholas II?
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