Doubt
written by: Margit Horsky
She keeps asking what’s wrong with me – why I have such a long face, why I don’t talk to her. She says mums understand everything; they should be their daughters’ best friends. But how can I tell her what troubles me?
I’d really like to see her reaction if I told her that there might be something wrong with me. Because when I’m near Julia, my heart beats as fast as it did in my early days with Luke. I suffer when I see her joking and laughing with a boy. At night, I lie awake, dreaming of her with my eyes wide open in the dark. When she hugs me, I feel dizzy, I can’t breathe, and butterflies flutter in my stomach.
I wish I could cry. Why is life so complicated? I just want to know if it is normal to feel like this. And Julia – what would she think if she knew? Maybe she would be disgusted and turn away from me. Or worse, she might make fun of me.
As if that weren’t enough, Aunt Liz keeps asking if I’ve fallen for some nice guy who doesn’t care about me, because I seem lovesick. And she keeps wondering how it could be over with Luke, since we were so cute together!
I loved Luke, too, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t feel breathless when I saw him show up, and my heart didn’t race when he touched me. It was fun, yes. We laughed like crazy, and sometimes we played like children in the park. We enjoyed listening to the same music, watching the same TV series. But now everything is different.
And Dad’s comments every time the topic of homosexuality comes up! What’s wrong with gays – are they “infected”? Why can’t someone just love whoever they want? Why can’t people follow what their hearts tell them?
I don’t know if I’m a lesbian. I also like boys – or at least I used to. But now I only see Julia, and I can’t even say what I feel exactly. I just know that she fills my head; she is constantly on my mind. I can’t think of anything else. And this empties me, because when we’re not close, I feel like I’m missing an arm, a lung. I just want to be where she is, to breathe the air that she breathes.
But I’m so afraid of disappointing Mum and Dad, it would be horrible if I disgusted them.
If mothers really understand everything, why doesn’t she understand this herself and help me? Do I really have to shove this diary under her nose so she can see me from the inside? Would she be horrified? Would she tell Dad straight away? Jesus, I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want them to tell me that everything is fine, that I’m normal. Maybe it even happened to them once. That I can love whoever I want. That they love me no matter what.
But even more than that, I would like Julia to feel the same way about me that I feel about her. Then maybe I would be able to accept the risk of disappointing Mum and Dad. After all, if they really love me, maybe they would understand.
