Partying with the Grim Reaper
written by: Jake Cosmos Aller
@aller_jake
Joe Lewis was a retired, divorced, US Gov bot on a last fling trip in his life, and died one day after drinking too much at the Cosmos Bar in Soi Cowboy, Bangkok, Thailand on Halloween night. He sat down with his buddies, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Old Grand-Dad, and Evans Williams. And began drinking his way to hell. Twenty drinks too sober, he gets up to go home, walks out the door, and a drunken bus driver runs over him, instantly killing him.
The light of the blood-red full moon woke him up at 0 dark hundred hours. He found himself in a dark, forbidding, hot, humid jungle with a foul smell of death and decaying vegetation everywhere. He sensed that creatures in the jungles were looking at him with evil, hungry, malicious intent, then he saw them as the dark fog lifted, and a bright red moonlight lit the jungle forest. The nightmare creatures were staring at him with evil hatred flowing from their red eyes.
He saw a terrifying nightmare vision, – seeing giant apes, space aliens, banshees, bats, Bigfoot, centaurs, Cerberus, cheetahs, crows, coyotes, Cthulhu with tentacles, dragons, demons, dinosaurs (raptors and T. rex), devils, dwarfs, gangbangers, gangsters, gangster rappers. Gators, goblins, ghouls, ghosts, giants, giant ants, giant wasps, giant spiders, giant lobsters, gunmen, hellhounds, big game hunters, government bureaucrats, holocausts, imps, Imperial Stormtroopers from Star Wars, naked incubus, leprechauns, jihadis, Lucifer, lions, politicians, mafia made men, ravens, monsters, orcs, reporters, bewitching beautiful yet deadly sirens, Satan, satyrs, snakes, winged monkeys, serpents, special forces soldiers, tigers, werewolves, wolves, witches, warlocks, wraiths, wild things, yeti, and zombies all staring at him. A half-centaur, half-pig monster with two heads–Putin and Trump led the mob.
The Putin-Trump pigman yelled out, “After him. All humans must die. Kill Joe.”
They began chasing him through the dark forest. Even the trees came alive, trying to trip him up, as the nightmare creatures ran after him, the hunters, and soldiers firing flaming arrows and semi-automatic weapons lighting up the night sky, and the birds dive-bombing him trying to get his eyes and face, and the other creatures getting closer and closer screaming.
“Death to all humans. Death to Joe Lewis.”
He looked back. They were gaining on him when he came to a dark, foul-smelling river. A ferryboat filled with hundreds of evil, depraved people on board was floating down the river.
Just as the creatures were about to pounce, he swam into the water, the boat stopped, and two strange-looking men pulled him out of the water. The human monsters on the ship looked at Joe and dismissed him as a loser, a refugee fleeing the monstrous welcoming committee, and not worthy of their time.
The two gentlemen who had pulled him out of the water were strange-looking people, rough-edged, but better than the party people who continued to ignore him or made mocking references to the refugee. Charon, the conductor, an elderly Italian man dressed in a black suit, stood in front of the boat. The Grim Reaper, dressed in a dark suit wearing Ray-ban sunglasses, looking oh so cool, stood next to him. The Grim Reaper had a pan-ethnic look, could be almost any ethnicity in the world, but was vaguely non-quite human looking.
When he came aboard the ferryboat, he asked the two strange gentlemen who had rescued him,
“Thanks for saving me. Where am I?”
Handing Joe, a cup of Hell whiskey, the older of the two introduced himself saying,
“I am the Grim Reaper, and this is Charon, and you are on the ferry to Hell. You are floating down the river Styx, heading to Hell and beyond. We saved you from the welcoming committee. Normally they kill our visitors and take their dead bodies to Hell where they receive a bounty, and then you are reborn as a zombie slave, possessed by demons, becoming a ghost, or a ghoul, or are sent to Hell for punishment. But sometimes, virtuous people manage to escape and per our SOP we are obligated to take in the refugees and take them to Limbo for processing. Stay here my friend, because if you go to the party, you may never return to earth.” They are all going to the other place. You do not want to go there I assume.”
He pointed out the partygoers, who ignored Joe. Many of them were infamous figures, including anti-vaxxer crusaders, bar owners, celebrities, corrupt politicians of both American parties, including Governors, Representatives, Senators, drug dealers, members of the British parliament and parliaments around the world, criminals, crooked cops, fake news reporters, gangsters, gangbangers, gangsta rappers, internet bloggers, idiots in both high and low places, “Criminal Lawyers ” media darlings, pharma bros, scumbags, scoundrels, wall street executives, thugs, Italian, Korean, Japanese Yakuza, and Vietnamese Mafia figures.
They were all standing around as if they were at a cocktail party of the newly damned, drinking, smoking dope, snorting coke, and meth, dropping acid, and flirting up a storm, enjoying the free food, drinks, and drugs provided by the ‘Hell Catering’ company using robots and demonic slave labor. They were partying as if it were their last day on earth, and they knew where they were going. Many of them felt that they would somehow manage to thrive in Hell and were looking forward to it.
None of them felt remorse or regret for the actions they had taken in their life. They were mostly entitled ‘rich people,’ the self-proclaimed ‘masters of the universe.’ A punk rock band played non-stop punk anthems and obscene parodies of rock and disco songs.
The Grim Reaper went on,
“We are taking you and Mr. Alvarez to Limbo for further processing. He may be going upstairs but being an attorney, I have my doubts. You know what they say about lawyers in heaven, there are almost none and Hell is filled with lawyers, crooked police officers, and mafia figures. Limbo is filled with bureaucrats and the red tape takes forever, and the computer system is always crashing. What can you expect? Well, it is hard to get tech support in Heaven or Limbo, all the tech folks tend to go to Hell.”
Mr. Alvarez was an elderly Italian attorney, a lifelong fighter against corruption, the mafia, and organized criminals, and a famous human rights attorney based in Rome.
They chatted about his life and Joe’s life. Mr. Alvarez said,
“Our new friend, GR said I might be the only lawyer getting into heaven in a long time. Most lawyers end up in the other place.”
The river was black as it was after midnight. There was a stench of decay and death, fire and brimstone, and fires burning in giant pits in the distance. The welcoming committee of nightmare creatures followed the boat shouting obscenities and jumping in the water to retrieve partiers who fell off the boat, taking them to shore where they tortured them, murdered them, and ate them.
The boat stopped at the gate to hell. The other people walked off to the basement of 666 6th Avenue, NYC, where there was one of many secret back doorways to the world above Hell. Demon functionaries dressed in Matrix Mr. Smith-style black suits met them at the ferry terminal. They disappeared into the depths of hell.
The Grim Reaper took Joe and Antonio to the next step, Limbo. A giant black building reached the sky, filled with demonic bureaucrats dressed in Matrix-like Mr. Smith black suits. The Grim Reaper said, “Wait here. It should not be too long; I like you so we will put you in front of the line.”
He saw hundreds of lost souls wandering around. There were signs in multiple languages saying,
“Welcome to Limbo. Your judgment day awaits you. Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid. No one can escape your fate. Wait your turn. You will be processed in the order received. No drinking, drugs, food, phone use, or sexual activity allowed. And no sleeping either. It should not be too long.”
Sometime later a demon came over and gave him some breakfast – coffee hot as hell, fried eggs, and a burger.
The demon hissed,
“Finish your breakfast. Then follow me to your appointment with Mr. GR.”
He followed the demon through the crowd, and found himself in an office, where the Grim Reaper was waiting.
“Joe, Antonio, glad to see you. Please tip the demon.”
Joe paid him 100 dollars and Antonio 100 euros. The demon demanded more. The Grim Reaper swore at him in Demon speak and the demon disappeared into the crowd.
The Grim Reaper consulted his handheld computer, saying,
“Hmm just as I suspected. You are wanted upstairs, and a guardian angel is watching you. But you almost did not make it in time. The computer program had a glitch, and you are being sent back to Earth. Your time for final status determination will be sooner than you think. I hope you and I can be friends. I can hire people as my assistants. We had a lot of fun. It is a career-changing once in a lifetime opportunity. Think about it when you come back.”
Joseph Lewis woke up in bed next to his wife, he got up, turned on his computer, and read the following message,
“Mr. Joe, I hope you enjoyed your tour last night. But unfortunately, there was a computer glitch in the matrix system that controls limbo, heaven, and hell. It is hard to get tech support in Limbo or Heaven, most of the engineers end up in hell. But in any event, we determined it was not yet your time.
Your friend made it fine and sends his regards. The drinks are on him when you and your wife finally make it. Oh, contrary to the old song, “In Heaven, there is no beer” we have the finest beer, wine, and spirits you can find in Heaven, and Hell as well.
As for the others, you saw, they too will visit the ferry for the last journey within a few years for most of them. But you know where they will end up.
Your friend.
Mr. GR the Grim Reaper.“
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