Podcast 90 Degrees North
written by: David Thoenen
Bernard:
“Welcome to our annual Christmas episode of 90 Degrees North. I’m your host, Santa’s Chief Elf Bernard. Join me in welcoming to the podcast the most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph! Great to have you with us for this special episode, Rudolph!”
Rudolph:
“Thank you, Bernard. Always a pleasure to see you outside of the noise and chaos of the workshop. I’m delighted that my agent was able to sync us up. Busy, busy this time of year!”
Bernard:
“Busy, busy is right! The big night’s just around the corner, so let’s get right to your story. In last year’s Christmas segment of 90 Degrees North, we heard many words of praise regarding your navigation skills from our guest, your teammate, Blitzen. He was quite the fan! Recounted tales of stormy nights, Santa’s sled careening through the clouds, packages spilling out the back of the sled, and yet never did you lead Santa off course, never did the reindeer team doubt that you would find their way, never did children miss their Christmas morning bounty. Quite a record, Rudolph!”
Rudolph:
“It’s been a saga, for sure, but so far, so good.”
Bernard:
“Let’s go back to the beginning. How did it all start for young Rudolph? In your own words.”
Rudolph:
“Sure. In my own words. I’d have to skip the song’s lyrics, anyway. They’re all copyrighted. Where to start? Let’s start with the trauma of youth, my youth, the little reindeer bullied on the playground because of his nose. Yup, good place to start.”
Bernard:
“Bullied?”
Rudolph:
“Oh, yes, Bernard! Oh, my god. From the time I was a little fawn, the neighborhood fawns would laugh and call me names. Wouldn’t ever include me in their reindeer games. I was the perfect target for their bullying; shy, small, and cursed with a big shiny red nose! They would even say it glows! My childhood was a nightmare. When I started school, I was terrified of the playground. They would snort on my hoofs and dare me to clean up the mess. Prancer would turn her back on me when I walked by. The bitch! Gosh, the biggest bullies were Dasher and Dancer! Imagine!”
Bernard:
“All this because of your nose?”
Rudolph:
“Yes. None of my brothers and sisters had a shiny nose. Not one of their noses was shiny. Of course, their noses were red. All reindeer noses are red. But they didn’t shine. And mine, even as a very small fawn, was so bright and shiny that my parent put a muzzle over my snout at night so the rest of the herd in the barn could sleep after lights out.”
Bernard:
“So when did this all change? You are a hero now!”
Rudolph:
“Well, one snowy Christmas Eve, just before clearance for takeoff, a weather alert came through that Tajikistan was totally, absolutely socked in, zero visibility. Not that Santa gets a lot of letters from Tajikistan, but there are a few, and no way Santa is going to disappoint any child anywhere. There was an uproar on the flight deck that I could hear from my stall. Comet was screaming,”Someone get that shiny nose jerk over here right away,” and Santa himself comes running up and asks, “Rudolph, please light up your nose so bright and lead our sleigh tonight!” I was terrified, but I got my ass out to the runway and next thing I knew I was in harness at the front of the team! The other reindeer shouted out with glee, Santa yelled clear for takeoff, and I went down in history.”
Bernard:
“Wow! That’s quite a story!”
Rudolph:
“Yup, from Vixen and Cupid taunting, “little posey, posey, got a bright red nosey,” laugh, laugh, chortle to Senior Navigation Officer of the planet’s most advanced Christmas aerial delivery technology. Then they loved me! All in one night. Of course, when the story broke, the media jumped all over it, and I had fast buck artists calling night and day, all promising to make me a millionaire.”
Bernard:
“How did you handle all of that?”
Rudolph:
“I always knew that – although he was a creepy bully – Donner had a good head under his antlers and seemed to have strong business sense. He came to me, apologized for years of bullying, and asked me to sign him on as my financial advisor and agent.”
Bernard:
“And … ?”
Rudolph:
“Before you could say “Merry Christmas,” much less “Happy New Year,” some nut wrote a song about me and Gene Autry sang it, I booked onto the Today Show, became a spokesreindeer for Ever Ready Batteries, and appeared on the cover of National Enquirer’s Christmas edition. And then, of course, they made the movie. Donner made damn sure we got our split! So, as the song says, we went down in history.”
Bernard:
“You certainly did.”
Rudolph:
“Oh, boy! I see Donner over there waving at me. Must be time to head out for my next interview. Before I split, I want to wish you and all of your podcast listeners a very Merry Christmas! And encourage you to visit my website, www.shinyrednose.com. Don’t forget to follow me on X formerly Twitter!”
Bernard:
“Thank you so much for joining us today, Rudolph, and discounting your normal interview fees! And … well, he’s gone. Wow! What a true Christmas hero!
“Time to wrap up, but please remember to tune in for our next episode of 90 Degrees North when my guest will be Mrs. Claus. She’s promised to share some of her exciting advice on jazzing up magic cookie recipes. Can’t wait!
“I’ll close with this wish for all of our listeners, including those unfortunate on Santa’s Naughty List.
“Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!”
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- Zainab - November 27, 2024
