Alive
written by: River Joy
once when i was very young
i found the word gay
get caught in my throat like fire
preventing what should have been
a playful playground insult
it wasn’t even the bad one
i still couldn’t say it
born after the AIDS crisis
did you know AIDS was originally GRID?
Gay Related Immunodeficiency
but before it was cool
for celebrities and politicians to be allies
before our voices mattered
years later, but not too many
i couldn’t sleep, and whispered
for the first time
i’m gay
barely loud enough to hear myself
no
shove it down
your life is tough enough
alive, awake during don’t ask don’t tell
you mean to tell me those
who are laying their lives
down for this country
cannot be who they are
-not out but young and passionate and scared
i saw a gay classmate
rage through the halls
when they wouldn’t allow him to give blood
the teachers whispered
he’s always a problem
always a problem
but he was fighting for his right
his acceptance
i stayed silent
shaken awake by a friend at a sleep over
phone shoved in my face
it’s legal
it’s legal
i cried deep sobs into her pillow
college someone wrote
f*gs will die
scrawled on a bathroom stall door
i stood in solidarity for the first time
i embraced my community
they embraced me
they gave me words
so many words
i am not a girl
i am not a boy
i am neither and both
the first time i wore a binder
i sent mirror selfies to
every single person i talked to
on a regular basis
look! i look like me.
is this gender euphoria
if my body looked like this
i’d wear dresses and suits and button down shirts
and all sorts of things
alive during the Pulse nightclub shooting
the tenseness of Pride in the city
that year was palpable.
alive for the bills that will kill trans youth
that will leave more lgbtq+ youth homeless
alive to see my identity boiled down
to who i fuck
and what bathroom i walk into
alive to have as much queer rage
as i do queer pride
alive to learn the value of that word
the one that burned in my throat
at such a young age
alive to learn about the sacrifices of my elders
alive to know at least
there are statistics on our deaths now
alive to hope that the lessons i learn
and continue to learn
through my journey of self discovery
will be lessons that dive deeper into society
instead of the misguided lesson
to use queer identity
as insult
- Alive - November 29, 2025
- Spotted Lanternfly - May 16, 2025
