PTSD
written by: Michelle Blanton
You broke into my house and finally saw the filth and squalor in which I allowed myself to exist in…after almost a year without anyone coming by to make sure I was okay, you decided to invade the secluded prison I had created for myself…you looked down on me with pity, disgust, and a horrible sense of superiority over the wreck I had made…with nothing but arrogance and self-worth, you took it upon yourself to let everyone know how lazy and disgusting I had let myself become…you told our entire family how my lack of respect for property and sloth turned a home into a garbage can….you need to know that your words, in all of their hateful ignorance, shattered the only piece of the other me I had left…and your lack of compassion and understanding destroyed any hope of her ever returning…
What you saw: floors covered in garbage and dirty clothes…molded, food filled dishes strewn about…a mattress on the floor of the living room covered in filthy bed covers, blocking the only entrance/exit into the hell I had created for myself…no water, no power, and even with me laying there, covered in the filth of my creation, there was no evidence of a normal life…
On the other hand…this is what I saw: a safe spot in the corner of a hell I was trying to die in…a quiet place where the world couldn’t hurt me anymore and would hopefully leave me to my torment until my prayers and screams of death were answered…I lost hours, days, weeks, on that mattress…staring off into the dark abyss I so wanted to become a permanent part of…I grieved, I cursed God, and I hated…everybody and everything…especially myself and my God…I lost my soul while giving in to bouts of screaming, nearly constant anxiety attacks, and complete devastation….I was a breathing dead person living in a four room coffin…but your visit into my psychosis was like a punch to the gut…you knocked the breath out of me…
However, through all of my dark and twisty days and night terror filled nights, there were two constants that I really hadn’t counted on, but who would not be ignored…my teenaged daughter and the man who wanted to love me…they looked at me with concern, held me when I screamed, reminded me to breathe, and pulled me back from the abyss when I disappeared…they had faith in my strength and courage…but you, you and the rest of a family that I had spent my pre life (as the oldest sister and surrogate Momma) protecting, teaching, supporting, encouraging, and loving unconditionally, decided that I was best handled by being gossiped and joked about and you all belittled me at every opportunity…
But with the love and support from my daughter and the man who wanted to love me, I started to learn about this new person I had became…the post life…
My name is Michelle Blanton…
I have a child in Heaven…
I have a best friend in Heaven…
I have a surrogate mom in Heaven…
I have PTSD…
Some days I scream…
Some days I disappear…
Some days I stay in bed and cry…
But, you know what…lately, some days I smile…I’m not the person I used to be…I get confused too easily…I forget why I go into a room…my heart is a million pieces of pain…my days are hard and my night’s still filled with terrors and panic…I can’t concentrate for very long at a time…I have anxiety/depression, so most times I’m anxious to get a move on, but too tired to move…my life is a constant state of chaos and storms…but I am here…in the world…trying to live…I’m not in that self-created hell…I may not be the person I used to be, but the person I’ve become has been forged in the fires of hell, strengthened in the grips of death, and has learned how to love unconditionally and be compassionate to those in pain…to forgive without question and not be judgemental…to ease the pain of those in need, even if I have to take that pain upon myself…even to those who have hurt me or let me down…even to those who left me to die…even to you..
So, your lesson for today, my dear brother, should you choose to open your heart enough to learn it…
Grief and pain can cripple a person…it can destroy a soul…it can darken a life that used to be a light to others…it can change a person so completely and totally that even her baby brothers wouldn’t recognize who she has become…but as a brother, as a Christian, as a human on this earth, it isn’t your lot to judge, condemn, joke about, or even discourage this new person…it’s your job to give love and support…to help them to relearn who they are…to build up and encourage…
But most importantly baby, it’s your job to protect the new person…because the devastation that made this new person can sometimes be strong enough to take them back into hell…and the pain they felt before they left will be yours to bear…yours to endure…and that much pain changes people…and not everybody will understand the new person you’ve become…
