I want to tell all in my family that I am stuck in a quicksand
of grief, of growing, of growing into something
you never wanted for me,
these unfulfilled dreams —
and the cassette tape that plays underneath my pillow
will be unspooled, and burnt – the words deserve it.
I want to tell all in my family that I have a mask, a second skin
and it will not be pried off, with roots so deep —
memories drill into the earth so
dredge them up, more take their place.
I want to tell all in my family that guilt has long been my keeper
secrets, rationalisations, excuses, manipulations,
but there are no escape routes now
and she is water-boarded with regret.
I want to tell all in my family that I have learnt my lessons
and I may always labour when it comes to love
and even though I’ve every reason not to
I believe there is so much love in the world.
As a daughter, sister, granddaughter niece, surrogate father and brother–
It is like you built your worlds around me.
This is my gratitude, my apology, my repentance, my amends and my remorse.
It is also my love, which I do not deserve but will make myself worthy.
A recent graduate of University College London with an MSc in Social Neuroscience, I am now studying independent film-making because of a particular creative calling. I have also enjoyed learning British Sign Language, and have a great interest in languages, generally- etymology, linguistic relativity, and the phenomenon of lost words. I make T-shirts, mostly featuring images of Beat poets. I have been published in an anthology called Brainstorms a few years ago, and in the inaugral issue of the online literary journal Wildness.