Halloween Horrors
written by: A.L. Paradiso
Approaching Samhain and Halloween, farmer Phil noticed that four pumpkins a night vanished from his most mature pumpkin patch. When he heard that two young thugs had a few pumpkins for sale, he began staking out his best patch. One night, he saw shadows invade the patch. Firing a shotgun in the air scared them off, but he wondered how he could prevent the thefts without losing more sleep.
A clever idea came to him that night. The next day, he put a sign in the patch where the thugs liked breaking in. It read, “One of these pumpkins is poisoned. Only I know which one.” Smiling at his shrewd ruse, he slept well that night. Inspecting his patch the next day, he found his sign modified to read, “Now there are two.” With Halloween just one day away, he realized he couldn’t sell his pumpkins for consumption, so he put up a new sign reading, “Great pumpkins for decorating or Pumpkin Chunkin. Not for eating.”
Sales of his best pumpkins plummeted. He prayed for revenge on the thugs who cost him so much. Unknown to him, his prayers were answered — by the Prince of Darkness. Beelzebub pondered how he could also add chaos to the little town of Cucurbita. He decided to bless the only poisoned pumpkin with sentient angry rage.
Pumpkin Paula woke with a start. She realized she could see and move, yet not speak aloud, so she looked around in the patch that had been her home since a seedling. A vision, or a memory, of being stabbed with poison came to her. Why would anyone want to poison me? she wondered. The vision showed her two young men sneaking into her patch and poking her. Somehow, she knew who they were. Her anger grew to rage when she found no answer but mischief and greed.
Paula moved to a nearby pumpkin, Jack, and kissed him awake with a thump. Though he came from an adjacent Irish farm, the Lantern family, she knew she could trust him. She inspired him with her anger and told him to wake the others. Soon, 150 vibrating pumpkins shouted in their heads, then followed Paula to the thugs’ home for revenge. A dozen gathered quietly at each door and window before Paula rattled the front door. Asshat, thug one, opened the door and screamed like a child at the sight of the threatening pumpkins. He slammed the door shut. Beever, thug two, laughed at his brother until he opened the door.
The pumpkin crowd hummed together and shattered all the house windows. Feeling an attack was imminent, Asshat and Beever climbed out the second-floor window, jumped onto a lower roof, and ran to the little town of Cucurbita. Jack and the others followed and vibrated their curses at the thugs. Falling behind, Paula discovered she would go faster by rolling on her ribs instead of hopping. The rabble followed suit.
Though the ribs made them bounce as they rolled, they took advantage and soon caught up with Asshat, who ran into a supermarket. They chased him down into the frozen foods section. He managed to evade them. Paula called out to the other vegetables. Various squashes answered, but couldn’t help due to their odd shape. Yet frozen asparagus shivered out in answer, saying, Use us. We are spears, after all.
Paula understood and used an evil ability to command others to move and accelerate. She ordered three spears to hurl themselves at Asshat as he ran down a long aisle. They stabbed into both his legs and, appropriately, his ass. He went down, but a store employee helped him up. Enraged, Paula shouted to her mob, Spear him too. He’s giving aid to the enemy. Spear anyone who helps them. The innocent employee became the next victim of her burning rage, fanned by the perpetual flames of Satan.
Paula gathered more frozen spears. She preferred to leave Asshat suffering rather than dead, so she and her crowd left and soon found the others who were chasing Beever. He ran around or over obstacles as he tried to evade the killer pumpkins. They had learned to use their ribs to bounce higher each time as they rolled and easily followed. Paula informed the mod of their new weapon. When she saw people trying to help Beever, she cried out, All humans are enemies. Kill them all. Beware of those with sharp knives. They learned how to cut us so we can’t give chase.
That’s when the chaos truly began. The pumpkin mob began rolling at every human. They squashed the ones they caught. Some pumpkins split their ribs and were left to rot. Paula’s second, Jack, cornered Beever and ordered four asparagus spears to attack before they melted too much. Beever went down. Though justice had been done, the pumpkin attacks continued.
More than 110 pumpkins rolled throughout Cucurbita, chasing humans down streets, into stores, homes, and alleys. One human attacked Paula’s second in command, Jack O’Lantern. Not content to just slice a rib, he cut off Jack’s crown, gutted him, and sliced an ugly, toothless face into him. He put a lit candle in him to make him project his disfigurement and carried him about to make an example of him.
Seeing the horror of her grotesque friend, Paula called an end to the attacks. She surrendered to the knife-wielding human and asked Jack for forgiveness as a single orange tear escaped a broken rib. With humans unable to drain her rage, she had a choice of a guillotine, or becoming a Pumpkin Chunkin star. She chose to fly high to her demise. They say some of her Mephistophelean seeds scattered on impact and may be growing again.
That was the beginning of our Halloween ritual of carving a Jack O’Lantern and displaying it in our windows or on porches. It’s not to scare children away, it’s to remind any devilish pumpkins of who won the Halloween Horrors war and warn them to stay away. Happy Allhallows’ Eve and savor the dark months of Samhain.
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