I Never Meant to Kill Him, I Swear!
written by: Michelle Stevic
Millie despised the habit of smoking, she always had, even now when the bitter taste of smoke infiltrated her lungs as she took a last swing from her cigarette before tossing it into the running shower. She watched it drown in the hot water before it was sucked into the drain. It felt soothing to see the cigarette disappear as if it had never existed.
Millie stepped into the shower, hot water covering her body. The tense muscles in her neck seemed to relax a little, and a low moan escaped her lips. She closed her eyes. Then she heard it, the faint whisper that had followed her the past few weeks.
“You killed me. You murdered me. You betrayed me.”
Millie froze, a shudder ran down her spine despite the heat, as the whisper traveled through the bathroom before disappearing into the walls. She turned her head uneasily. Steam covered the glass walls of the shower so she could hardly make out the bathroom wrapped in dim light. But she was alone. Her hands were shaking as she turned off the water, suddenly the cabin felt too hot and tiny. She took a deep breath before she pushed the glass door open to step into the cool bathroom. The only light came from her reading lamp that she had plugged in near the door which left many parts of the room in the shadows of the darkness. The light bulb had died this morning and she had been too lazy to buy a new one. Now she wished she had made the trip into town.
“No need to worry!” she mumbled under her breath as she reached for a soft towel. “It’s just in my head.” That’s what her mother always told her when she talked about the voices and the whispers. And it was what she was clinging to when the fear reached her throat. Her fingers were shaking when she tore open the bottom drawer under the sink. There were only two things in it, a pack of cigarettes, the kind her dad had always smoked, and a lighter, so old that it hardly worked anymore. Millie had tried to quit smoking two years ago after her dad had passed. She had not even made it to day three.
Millie stared at the cigarette package in her drawer, there were three left in it. Yesterday it had been seven. Millie put one of the cigarettes between her lips, the fire of the lighter illuminating the room for a second before she took a big swing. She threw the lighter back into the drawer and forced it shut with her leg. Her fingers stopped shaking as she took another swing. The smoke escaping her lips joined the steam that swirled through the room. She could have opened a window.
“Why did you kill me? Why did you let me die?”
Millie startled. The cigarette dropped from her hand, hitting the green rug under her feet. “Fuck!” She picked the cigarette up, but it was already too late, it had burned the carpet. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Tears shot to her eyes as she threw the cigarette into the sink.
“Are you happy now?” she screamed as she turned around. “Are you?” More tears streamed down her cheeks.
“You killed me. You murdered me. You left me.”
“No, I didn’t do shit! You chose to leave me! It was your choice, not mine. Yours!” She drew in a sharp breath. “And maybe if you’d not been such a selfish prick, we could’ve helped you. I could’ve helped you!” The room disappeared behind a wall of tears. She wiped them angrily from her eyes as she drew in another breath.
Her anger subsided. Then it disappeared and left her feeling guilty and lost. It was the same dance every damn time. After a few seconds of silence, she sighed silently.
“I didn’t murder you. But maybe I might as well have.”
- I Never Meant to Kill Him, I Swear! - April 9, 2025
