Man Overboard, Karl!
written by: Felix Anker
The symptoms were evident. Birds were screaming, Bees were buzzing, and the sun devoured my toes, not unlike what swans do to frogs. I am no expert in medical matters, but my diagnosis was clear: morning had arrived. Ignoring the naturalistic potpourri, I redirected my attention back to my Saturday morning sleep.
My well-earned rest was short-lived. A sharp sting on my foot was followed by another on my head. Whoever that pebble-thrower was, he was well-versed. However, I’m not one of those chaps who rely on physical aggression, so instead of stones, I threw a carefully crafted sentence back to the sender.
“I say! What’s the meaning of this pandemonium?” I had integrated this splendid word into my vocab not too long ago, and I was sure that this time I had used it correctly.
“Karl!” A voice echoed through my window.
“Wilhelm!”
“Willi,” he corrected, in case there was confusion, as both his father and grandfather bore the same name.
“Willi!” I returned, correctly.
“Karl!” This wasn’t leading us anywhere. I wrestled my way out of my protective cocoon and stuck my head out of the window.
The outside world was exactly how I had imagined it. Bees, birds, flowers, and all kinds of whatnots greeted me on this summer morning. Yet, one thing was different. Willi, standing in my garden, well-bespectacled, accompanied by some sort of shrubbery.
“Willi, why doth thou disturb mine slumber?”
“Did you try to work your intellect again?” he said less verbosely.
He assumed correctly. I had spent the previous day with the great minds of our antecedents. Schiller, Goethe, and all their chums. Unfortunately, I had not succeeded in bringing my delicate vocab to the simpler-minded.
“What are you doing here this early, and what’s with the tree?”
“It’s nearly twelve,” said Willi, and didn’t change my mind about when the morning had to be over, “And that’s my cousin Charlotte.”
“Good morning,” the tree said.
I make no claims to being a connoisseur of the vogue, but if a cousin decides to don a green hat and a brown dress, and all that before I’m even fully awake, then a resemblance to a tree can’t be denied. Had she stood still in a park, small children would have attempted to climb her.
“Say, to what do I owe the honour of your early visitation?”
“Charlotte wanted to meet you. I told her a lot about you.”
That was peculiar. I was even inclined to say bizarre if that was the word I was grasping at. Usually, women adjourn the getting-to-know-me indefinitely if someone has briefed them extensively about me.
“Pleased to meet you.”
“The pleasure is mine.” The cousin’s face adopted the colour of an apple—one of those red ones.
“Karl, we want to see if August is responsive. Are you coming?” I wasn’t in my most responsive state myself, so I dismissed the proposition.
“We’re boating on the lake later,” the cousin added, “it’d be delightful if you joined us.”
I informed them that I would share my decision once I had fully awoken, bid them farewell, and watched as Willi introduced my apple tree to his cousin on their way back. Maybe another relative.
There I was, back in bed again, but it was impossible to sleep any longer, so I decided to give this day a try. I took a piece of clothes from the floor, inserted my arm into the sleeve, took my arm out of the sleeve, which—upon closer inspection—turned out to be a trousers’ leg, and inserted the intended foot.
Having performed the miracle of dressing, I crawled towards the garden for my matutinal egg harvest. What marvellous beasts they were! Eggs every day, even on sacred Sundays.
As I returned with my loot, a voice jumped out of my kitchen window.
“Morning, Karl!”
“August, what hath brought thou hither?”
“Drop the Goethe jabbering. I have remarkable news.”
Back in the kitchen, August was be-my-guesting on my bread.
“So, what’s the posish?” Something extraordinary must have happened if August had left his house voluntarily at this early hour.
“I’m in love, Karl,” he proclaimed, springing to his feet, and spreading his arms like a bird that demonstrated the concept of wings.
“Ah, and who is the unlucky girl?”
“The lucky girl,” he corrected me as if I had made a mistake, “is Willi’s wonderful cousin Charlotte.”
August and the tree. Who would have thought? Well, everyone who knew him and his attraction to cousins, even his own ones, if the relation was distant enough. Anyways, the big cousin seemed a bit too towering, and I uttered my concerns.
“Oh, Karl, there are no boundaries in love.”
“Except vertically,” I said cleverly, but that went right over his head. “What’s the cousin’s stance towards the matter?”
“That’s the problem. I think she fancies you.”
“I have no interest in her.”
“Oh, Karl, did you even look at her? She’s a splendid specimen! I must have her,” he explained like an overzealous arborist. He continued, “I have a plan. You must accompany me to Willi’s boating tour.” Having known August as long as I had, I could decipher his further thoughts before they evolved into words.
“Let me guess,” I interjected, “I will fall into the water, and you will save me, so Charlotte will see you as the great hero, and you two will be happy till the next cousin parts you.”
As expected, I was right. But with this move, I could kill two stones at once. August could conquer his love of the month, and the tree would lose interest in me. People who know me understand my affinity for women, but at that time, there was only one girl for me. Emma. She didn’t resemble any tree or shrubbery, but rather a beautiful meadow through which one wanted to frolic youthfully.
August thanked me for my cooperation and left.
After savouring my breadless eggs, I settled onto the old bench in front of my house, lit my pipe, and thought about the plan. Shouldn’t be too difficult, the drowning matter. At least if I didn’t drown for real, but I had always been a fabulous swimmer and could have rivalled the most daring swan. Yet, my experience had taught me to steer clear of these creatures.
The sun was smiling down at me, rather maliciously, as if something bad was about to happen, which was usually the job of clouds. I smiled back and made my way to the lake. Leaving Obergrubenbach behind, I proceeded eastward, passing by the old Gießler’s farm and his cows before entering the forest. Maybe one day I will take my beautiful Emma on a boat. But first, I had to retune her mind. I had the feeling that somebody had told her a lot about me.
Having strolled through the forest for a little time, I encountered a tree. Not the most unusual sight in a forest, but this tree turned out to be the cousin, ambling ahead with Willi. Being athletic as a man who has mistakenly sat down on a hornet’s nest, I caught up with them in a matter of seconds. We exchanged a few cordialities before I addressed the important topic.
“Isn’t it difficult, embarking on a boat trip without a boat?” I asked, overlooking the non-existent boat the two were carrying.
“My uncle Wilhelm already took a trip on the lake yesterday when he brought Charlotte,” Willi said and added the reason, “Fishing.”
Poor chap that uncle. We were very thorough with our village chronology, and if the uncle had known that the last time somebody caught a fish around here was in 1645, he would have spent his time with more fruitful pursuits.
The lake looked exactly as I remembered: almost oval and perfectly wet. Something was tied to the jetty, apparently representing a boat. It would be a miracle if we didn’t all drown later. The thing resembled a walnut shell, which a rather huge walnut tree must have shaken off its head.
As expected, August was late, so I sat down on the jetty, feet into the water, and moved my toes in a wormish manner to attract fish.
“They had the same idea.” The cousin had settled beside me sneakily, pointing to a boat on the opposite side of the lake. “It’s so nice of you to join us, Karl.”
I decided to introduce a meteorological motive.
“Well, it’s certainly warm enough,” I said enthusiastically, as I nearly succeeded in prodding a fish with my toe. Before the cousin could engage me in any prodding, August saved me. As if we had all the time in the world, he emerged from the forest and greeted us quite pandemonically.
“Ahoy!”
“Ah,” I shouted back and, “what?”
“Ahoy,” August explained, “is how great sailors greet each other on sea. I know a lot about that matter, you see, my grandfather once sailed the open waters.”
I had no idea if the first thing was correct, I wasn’t well-versed in the maritime milieu. But the fact that August’s grandfather had been incapable of swimming was known in the whole village. The old man was maybe sea-adjacent once, but never in or on the sea.
“Shall we?” August inquired, towed the tree into the boat, and commented on the whole thing with “Ladies first.”
The matter was rather wobbly, and I couldn’t help but foresee myself saving the whole lot from drowning soon. Aboard, I found myself pleasantly surprised by the boat’s interior sturdiness. Absolutely brilliant. Willi instructed us on how to move the big wooden spoons, and off we went. I occupied the very front and watched August rowing. The cousin sat behind him and watched me watching August. It was a fascinating circle of observations. Only Willi, wedged at the opposite end, watched something else. Birds or clouds, or some other naturalistic phenomena.
August the Strong stirred the spoons as if stung by an adder and propelled us to the lake’s centre in no time. His huge toe repeatedly tapped my leg, signalling that the plan was about to commence.
“This is a great spot for a break,” he declared conspicuously. The stage was set. The curtain rose on Act One of our amateur theatre.
That wouldn’t have been my cup of beer, this whole acting business, but I tried hard. “Why, yes, August! This is indeed a wonderful location. Perhaps I shall look out for fish.” Gradually, I rose to my feet.
“Oh, no, I’m falling,” I said without even a hint of enthusiasm, and fell off the boat.
Perhaps you’re familiar with those moments when your mistake jumps in your face like a startled cat. This was one of those. As I convincingly plummeted into the lake, I saw that the other boat had almost reached us. I hadn’t seen them earlier, sitting with the back in their direction and all. Had I been aware, I wouldn’t have jumped into the water like a dry fish. It was my beloved Emma, radiant as ever, with her brother Ferdinand. But it was too late. I was soaked, the cousin screamed like a terrified tree, and Willi watched something in the sky that wasn’t unlike, but very much like a cloud.
Meanwhile, August executed his part of the plan with precise precision. On the opposing vessel, Emma laughed. And of course, there was her brother Ferdinand, the frog-like fellow, whose face had turned green, making him more amphibious than usual. He laboured under the illusion that he had saved my life once, but that’s another story. Evidently, he thought that all good things came in twos, because soon it wasn’t just August who was pulling my leg. Ferdinand had also jumped into the water with the misguided enthusiasm of a dog fetching a stick that had absolutely no interest in being retrieved. Typical! This well-thought-out plan had to go wrong. I swam back to our boat by myself and was greeted by the concerned cousin. August gave me a look that said, “Hands off the cousin!”
A completely different look was the one the frog Ferdinand gave towards the sky. Ferdinand’s look said: “I’m drowning!”
This was my chance to show Emma that I was the real hero of this play. Getting ready to leap back into the water to land the poor brother, I found my path obstructed by the cousin’s strong branches. I tried to fight my way out, but it was a quicksandish situation.
August had already brought Ferdinand to safety aboard the neighbouring vessel, where Emma tenderly attended to the poor chap.
Another glance flew through the air, this time it was Emma’s that said, “August, you are my hero.”
The self-proclaimed hero returned and trickled drops of water and self-satisfaction into our boat.
“Flawless!” he proclaimed proudly, and for a moment, the notion of flawing him crossed my mind. Then I decided to play along to uphold our charade.
“Quite flawless,” I agreed, and upped the ante superlatively for the required effect, “one might even say most flawless. Right, Charlotte?”
“Oh, Karly, I’m just relieved that you remained unharmed.” A wave of mortification washed over my already wet self. Karly? This was unbearable.
Ferdinand’s boat had reached the shore ahead of us. It couldn’t have been that bad if he was still able to row that fast. They welcomed us as we disembarked.
“Oh, August. You saved my life just like I once saved Karl,” Ferdinand said and shot a look in my direction that held a lot of unsaid meaning, but I had had enough of those unspoken looks and spread myself out onto the grass to dry.
“Karl!” August had appeared next to me like one of those phantoms in ancient poems. “Do you think it worked?”
“August, old chap, didn’t you see how that tree had clutched me?”
“What tree?” he queried, but I ignored it.
“August, the whole matter has become a tremendous pandemonium.”
“A what?”
Again, I didn’t give him an answer.
“We’ve got to find a way out of this cock-up.”
“Ah, so that’s what pandemonium means? Cock-up? Karl, where do you always find such delicate words?”
“August, this really isn’t the time to discuss cock-ups and pandemoniums. How can we make the cousin fall in love with you and, even more important, how can we divert Emma’s attention away from you?”
“Karl, no need to get all jittery. Emma isn’t my type. I need a proper woman. Plus, I would be related to Ferdi if I took Emma.” A valid point indeed, that hadn’t crossed my mind yet.
“So what now? You have another flawless plan?” I asked.
“Sure. When we meet at Willi’s tonight, I will bring Grandfather’s new plum liquor. That always works.”
“Did that ever work, though?”
“Do you recall last year at the market festival? That Elise? We had a few sips of liquor together, and then she gave me this look that said …” I cut him off. It seemed this was the only plan we had, and I must still have had too much water in my head because I failed to find a better solution.
The four of us made our way back to the village. Emma and Ferdinand remained by the lake because the latter had decided to feel sorry for himself. As fond as I was of Emma, I couldn’t bear the company of a self-pitying Ferdinand now.
“Listen, there’s a woodpecker,” Willi interjected, reminding us of his presence. Poor chap, always engrossed in the avian world. We halted and strained our ears. After a while, something knocked. A rather unremarkable bird, that’s for sure. And how annoying that must have been for those other birds, seeking a good day’s rest. The very thought made me drowsy. I couldn’t dream of sleeping for too long because soon I felt something crawling through my hair. The cousin was attempting to weave some greenery with the corresponding flowers into my head.
“This looks so lovely, Karly,” cousiny Charlotty commented, presenting a huge arrangement of flowers she had ripped out of the ground. Don’t get me wrong. I think that flowers have their raison d’être, but my head wasn’t the best place for them to être. Gardens, where one could either watch or dismiss them, seemed far more appropriate.
Back in the village, we exchanged our farewell-until-laters. The cousin, a bit too firm for my liking. I settled onto my bench, lit my pipe, and ignored the flowers that were êtreing in my garden. It was late already, but who was I to say no to a quick nap? If someone had earned it, it was me.
When I arrived at Willi’s abode later that evening, August’s liquor stories wafted through the window. Either my nap had been longer than I thought, or August was serious about this cousin. Usually, he was the last to arrive.
He was telling a tale about the vibrant nightlife of Berlin. A city riddled with lunatics, as my father had always said, and he was far from wrong in that matter. Right now, he was talking about the nightlife in the metrop and how to properly drink absinthe, but I already knew that narrative, so I opted to light another pipe outside.
“Berlin is such a cosmopolitical place, a magnificent metropolis. Have you been to Berlin, Charlotte? My aunt lives there. I can take you with me.”
“Oh, I adore Berlin! It’s the most splendid city on Earth. I believe everyone must experience it once in their life. I couldn’t bear it if anyone were to speak badly about Berlin. Maybe my Karly will take me there one day.”
“Oh, forget about him. There’s not even a hint of cosmopolitan spirit in him. Care for some liquor?”
“Karl, you are a genius,” I silently said to myself. If my impromptu idea succeeded, the matter would be resolved within minutes. Act two was about to unfold, and I would deus-ex-machina it. I knocked on Willi’s door, and our woodpecker friend responded quickly.
“What ho, Karl,” he said with his look and words, and I entered.
“Hullo, Karly,” the cousin said and moved the last vacant chair beside her. I took my seat, and before I could even grasp the glass of liquor that August had poured for me, the cousin took hold of my hand.
“Look, Karl,” she said, pointing to the flowers that somebody had carefully stuffed into an empty wine bottle, “I picked these for you.”
“Ah. So, have I missed something? What’s the evening’s motive?”
“Berlin,” August said and grinned. He must have harboured a similar plan and proceeded, “Say, Karl, what are your thoughts on Berlin?”
Act two was underway.
“Berlin is a dreadful place, utterly miserable, yes, even abysmal. Not too long ago, I was standing knee-deep in pig dung, and I’d choose that fate over Berlin any day!” I felt how my hands regained their freedom. I jumped up and got louder.
“You either have to be completely barmy to go to Berlin willingly, or a real lunatic,” I shouted and ended my crescendo with a growl that would have made the mightiest thunder sound like a purring cat. And that, August, was the reason why the word flawless was invented. My hands were finally free of cousin. I took the liquor and drank to my independence.
“Oh, Karl,” the cousin sobbed, “how could you speak like that?”
Yes, some would argue that I was too harsh, but if I’m absorbed into my role, I can’t be stopped. August’s comforting arms enveloped the cousin, who was now crying so much that it seemed as if she were the one who had fallen into the lake earlier. He attempted to wink at me over her shoulders, but he was never very good at that. Instead, he blinked a few times before conceding defeat. My mission was accomplished, and I wouldn’t be needed any longer. Willi, engrossed in reading—probably about birds—apparently didn’t notice any of the action.
Before leaving, I extracted the flowers that were êtreing in the bottle.
“Since when have you become a friend to Flora?” Willi asked. The old chap noticed more than I had thought.
“I’ll pay Ferdi a short visit. You can’t visit ill people without bringing flowers.”
“Karl, I think you are mistaken. Flowers tend to make him sneeze. Yet, I’ve heard that Emma likes flowers.”
Indeed, I had heard the same.
- Man Overboard, Karl! - February 15, 2026
- There’s a Weevil in My Left Ear and a Shark in My Right - March 12, 2025
