Tete-a-tete with Sara
written by: Latha Prakash
In the ground, lay Sara, forgotten with time, a blend of dirt, dry leaves, and flowers enveloping whatever remained of her. She rested in peace, away from all the chaos, ignorant of the sun beating on the earth.
Raghav walked toward the gravestone. It had been years since he had watched the world engulf Sara’s mortal remains. He sat on the ground cross-legged. The words “In loving memory of Sara” glistened in the sunlight. His fingers traced her name, every alphabet stirring something raw and deeply embedded in him.
“You remember me, don’t you? I’m Raghav. Yours and only yours truly.” He clicked his tongue and smiled.
“You must be wondering what I’m doing here after all these years. I’m sure you would have ranted your guts out to the angels up there. It would have driven them crazy. Your endless complaints would have given them a splitting headache,” he said and paused.
He looked away and wiped the tiny beads rolling down his cheeks.
“You are not to be blamed. I’m guilty as charged,” he said.
A fierce wind tore through him. The brown leaves rose in the air and fell at a distance.
“I’m sorry, Sara. I’m here now. After all these years, I can finally look you in the eye,” he said, his hunched shoulders relaxing.
“Our daughter Anohi is now a mother. You have been promoted to the position of a grandmother. Congratulations, granny. Whenever I see her play with her baby, I catch a glimpse of you in her. At that moment, I felt that I did a good job,” he spoke as he leaned against the marble weathered with time.
The aroma of jasmine wafted in the air, and he felt Sara’s presence. A flower vendor in the corner, weaving garlands, didn’t disrupt his imagination. Jasmine was synonymous with Sara. He pictured strands of jasmine neatly tucked in her hair, and a smile flitted over his lips.
“I can’t help but remember the first day we met. My mind slips down that well-traveled abyss, and I fail to escape it. I don’t wish to find a way out. I love to meander down that familiar lane. A part of me lives there even today. We were at the vegetable market. You were having a tough time choosing the right okra. I helped you with it. Our eyes met. There was something special about your eyes, something magical. You thanked me, a shy smile playing on your lips. It was then that I noticed a tiny scar on your upper lip. The scar accentuated your beauty.” His monologue was interrupted by a breeze.
The breeze ruffled his hair. The black locks, hidden amid the silver ones, came out into the open and soaked in the sunlight. He felt as though Sara ran her fingers through his hair. She liked to play with them – pull, twist, drag, and sometimes even braid them. After her untimely death, he had left his hair unattended for a long time. His disheveled hair bore testament to the void in his heart.
He could sense that Sara was listening to him. Their story calmed her. She wasn’t as angry as before. Peace rippled through his heart.
“We ran into each other on many occasions after that. It was love at first sight for me. I knew that you were the one. But you took your own time – to get to know me, to understand me, and to love me. I waited, the longing and pain serrating my heart. Six months later, I proposed, and you agreed. It was the best day of my life.” He continued to speak, tears obstructing his vision.
He wrapped his arm around the gravestone.
“Two years passed in a whirlwind. We were about to welcome our bundle of joy. I was the happiest man in the world. But destiny poured pitch-black ink over my plans. You drifted to an eternal sleep the same day Anohi was born and pushed me down the darkest abyss I had ever traversed,” he spoke, his tears forming a minuscule puddle.
His throat held the words hostage and throttled them. Emotions inundated his heart. Sorrow cast an eclipse on his mind.
“I still remember the moment I returned home after letting your mortal form go. Anohi lay in the crib with her eyes wide open. She stretched her arms and looked at me. It felt like she beckoned me to carry her in my arms. There wasn’t a tear in her eyes. Her lips cracked into an innocent smile. That smile was supposed to tug at my heartstrings. It was supposed to heal my wounds.
On the contrary, a shooting pain radiated through me. I ignored her and walked away. She wailed, her shriek for attention pierced through the horrifying silence. I locked myself in the room, curled into a ball, pressed a pillow against my ear, and slept through the night. Sleep was my escape route. It helped me forget reality for a while. The next morning, I woke not to the aroma of filter coffee but to Anohi’s incessant cries. I looked around for you. A part of me knew that you would never return. But the unrealistic part hoped for a miracle. I hoped that you would magically reappear and I could touch you, hug you, and drown you in kisses.” He threw his head behind and closed his eyes.
His tears dissipated under the sunlight. If his tears had the power to transform into clouds, there would be a deluge. The sunshine suddenly faded, but the breeze was comforting. The aroma of jasmine affected him in a new way. The air tousled his frosty hair. He felt someone embrace him. Warmth surged through his blood. When he opened his eyes and looked around, he didn’t find anyone. Was Sara by his side? Was she listening to him? Were they finally together?
“Are you here, Sara?” he asked, his voice a bit louder.
Another gust of wind rushed through him, and he got his answer. A rusty smile flashed through his tears.
“We finally meet, after all these years. Although technically I cannot call this a meeting because I can’t see you. But seeing isn’t everything. I can feel you,” he said and wiped his tears.
“I hurried to the kitchen, but you weren’t there. I pictured you chopping vegetables to the tunes of Carnatic music, but all I heard was Anohi’s cries. Reality hit me hard. I ran to the living room maniacally and yelled to make her stop crying. Someone, please feed her, I begged. Your mother, who was trying to comfort Anohi, paused and gave me a stern look that silenced me. Your mother always had that effect on me. She was an endearing woman with a no-nonsense attitude, and she could be intimidating. Anohi wants her mother, she said, tears helplessly streaming down her face. Her voice softened, and I realized that I wasn’t the only one grieving. She had lost her daughter, and Anohi had lost her mother. Despite this, I couldn’t help feeling that my own loss was immense. I hadn’t just lost my wife; I had lost my friend and confidante. I looked at Anohi and felt another pang of pain in my gut. Coldness spread through my skin, and I left without looking back at her.” His voice trailed off, and he felt a weight off his chest.
He was met with stark silence. The leaves lay still on the ground. There was no breeze. The aroma of jasmine vanished into thin air. Sara didn’t respond. Was she shocked at the revelation? Or was she disgusted with him?
“I’m sorry, Sara. I’m here today to confess. I won’t be surprised if you hate me after this,” he said, his muscles tightened.
His face turned a shade red. Tears seemed to give up on him. His eyes burned. The furrows on his wrinkled forehead deepened. He clasped a twig and pressed against it until his knuckles turned white. He exhaled a lung full of air, his breath akin to a gale.
“I threw myself into work, often sleeping at the office on a wooden table. The loneliness slashed my soul. I pictured you by my side, your hands wrapped around me. I would wake up in a panic, searching for you, only to be brought back to reality. Sleep became elusive. I wandered through the office like a zombie. The dates changed, but my state of mind remained the same. Alcohol enslaved me. The intoxicant numbed my pain and benumbed my senses. I felt like I was floating on water, the cool waves comforting my scarred soul.” He stopped talking.
Talking about those days wasn’t easy. It was akin to being stabbed over and over again. The scar, deep and long, was seared into his heart. A whiff of breeze enveloped him like a warm blanket. There was a tinge of familiarity to it.
“What you went through wasn’t easy. But you made it, and that’s what matters.” He imagined Sara speaking.
Her voice was still fresh in his mind. Images of her pearl white teeth that sneaked peeked from behind her lips flashed before him. His treasure trove broke open, and memories came rushing in. Years had passed, but he hadn’t forgotten anything about her. Yellow-coloured flowers parted from their place of origin and landed on his hands. He caressed the petals, his skin absorbing their softness.
“I guzzled whiskey every night while your mother lulled Anohi to sleep. I heard her shriek and cry. But I drowned myself in the intoxicating poison. I couldn’t be there for her. Emotionally, I had died with you. I had nothing to offer her. Coldness replaced the warmth that once nestled in my heart. The once ‘filled-to-the-brim’ jar of affection was now replaced with bitterness. My life had been shattered into a million pieces. How could I care for someone with all those broken pieces? I was incomplete and deficient.
Moreover, she needed you. How could I ever fill in for you? I could never fit in your shoes, let alone walk in them. I ignored Anohi and tried to convince myself that she didn’t exist. Cocooned in a nest of indifference, I dragged myself through the struggle called life. But our little angel had other plans. One night, I walked into the living room and noticed something horrifying. Anohi lay on the bed, her feet dangling in the air. I rushed to the room and saw that your mother was asleep. One wrong turn and Anohi would fall. I carried her in my arms and held her tightly. Through my inebriated eyes, I noticed her looking at me. Her brown-colored eyes reminded me of the filter coffee you made. She smiled at me and wrapped her tiny fingers around my sleeve. Shame overpowered me like a turbulent wave. Guilt spread its arms and danced into my heart like an angry goddess. How could I ignore her? Anger, Indifference, and hatred ruled my mind. But there she was, flashing a toothless smile, exuding love and nothing but love. She was a mini version of you. She was a reflection of us. If we could give a physical form to our love and togetherness, it was her. I cuddled her, my tears wetting her cheeks. She cooed, and my heartstrings thrummed a rhapsody that night. I lay on the couch with her, clinging to my chest the whole night. Everything changed after that. Giving up alcohol wasn’t easy. But I did it for Anohi. I did it for you. Anohi became my world.” The barriers exploded, and tears coursed freely.
All the weight he had carried in his heart over the years melted like ice on a glacier. Guilt that bubbled like froth now slowly disappeared. He felt lighter than he had felt in years.
“I thought that to take care of Anohi, I needed to step into your shoes. But I was wrong. I realized that I didn’t have to be you. I needed to be me. A father, a friend, and guide. That made things better for me. Being a single father wasn’t easy. It isn’t, even today. But I did everything I could to give a part of you a good life. You left a void that could never be filled. And I will tell you that the void grew wider and deeper every day. But Anohi gave a new meaning to my existence. She added a new dimension to my life. Your untimely death left me empty. Anohi transformed my life, which was a dreary canvas, into a hued palette. I missed you every single day of my life. Thoughts about ending everything crossed my mind more than once. But our kid kept me going. I maneuvered the thorns, sailed through the tides, and crossed every hurdle. Together, we overcame the challenges. Anohi grew up to be a lawyer. She found a companion in Samar. He is a doctor. He is a good man. They are parents now.” He sighed.
Exhaustion crept into his bones, but he felt a different kind of energy radiate through him – the kind he felt when he was with Sara. He rested his head on the gravestone and closed his eyes. His eyelids drooped as sleep found its way back. He felt like he was reunited with his long-lost friend. His hair swayed like corn in a verdant field. He could feel Sara’s fingers tracing his cheek. Peace engulfed him, and he fell asleep.
The Sun began to dip below the horizon.
“I haven’t slept this well in years,” he said and rubbed his eyes.
“Thank you for always being there with me.” He kissed the gravestone and placed a red rose.
He stood up and dusted his trousers.
“Until we meet again,” he smiled and looked at the engraved name longingly.
He wished Sara would appear before him, and they would return home together. He hoped that Sara wasn’t dead. She was hibernating and would wake up soon. But the reality was far from that. A look of resignation crossed his face.
“It’s our granddaughter’s birthday tomorrow. See you there,” he said and waited for a response.
“I didn’t mention her name to you. Did I?” he paused.
“It’s Sara,” he said, and was greeted with a shower of leaves and flowers.
Was it the evening wind or was his Sara smiling? He liked to think it was the latter. Raghav walked to the car, his eyes a reflection of contentment.
- Tete-a-tete With Sara - August 14, 2025
