Santa’s Chase
written by: Clive La Pensée
Each December became more of a chase, and that was absurd, because there were so few presents to deliver. Amazon took care of the toys – men and women working through the night, trying to fulfill every last-minute wish. Spotify, Apple Tunes, and Prime had killed off music as an idea for the stocking. The challenge of a 12-inch vinyl down the chimney, gone forever. How do you pour a digital tune meaningfully down a stovepipe, which would be blocked anyway?
He and the reindeer went through the motions, hoping a child somewhere would look out and see their antics on the roof ridge, but it didn’t happen. No matter how hard they tried, redundancy beckoned. But what should he do with the silly red coat and even sillier blue nose, and what to do with the reindeer? He hadn’t told them, but the sledge was already on eBay, reserve price less than a song.
Santa and his reindeer team collapsed before the fire and sipped their mulled wine. Comet had pigged out on the hash and oats and was threatening to doze off. Vixen was keeping a low profile. One suspected him of stomach offenses and inebriation. He was gone a long time while they were parked up at the Three Bells pub and returned with a shady excuse, which no one had understood. But they did know how flustered Mary seemed – the beach donkey who wintered at the Three Bells. The team had long wondered if Vixen was ignoring species protocol.
Vixen had a chip on his shoulder anyway. Science had revealed that they were all girls. Well, he wasn’t a girl and wasn’t cross-dressing to please a boffin. Rudolphina could go trans if that floated his boat. But that was the biggest part of Santa’s problem. You shouldn’t pull a sledge with boy reindeer. They fool around, play jokes on each other, fall about laughing if one of them so much as farts, but where should he find girls at this time of year? Like rocking-horse droppings.
Santa had put out an ad for female reindeer and Dancer was the only applicant, and she caused more problems, among a team of lads, than she solved. If she decided to show her flirty side, the rest were beyond control. Then again, she always had a jape ready for Christmas morning which might divert the testosterone-driven lads. She was delving through the pile of undelivered games – some had been in the spares room for decades now and she reappeared from the toy cellar covered in dust, with a dog-eared box of Scrabble.
‘This will pass the time,’ she announced.
Santa looked around, trying not to appear tetchy. Scrabble, with ten players, would be chaos and result in a fight before dawn, broken antlers, and sulking through Christmas Day. Perhaps the more bellicose in the team would nod off. No such luck. Vixen was pouring more wine and shaking the sleepy members mercilessly.
‘There won’t be enough stones for all of us to play,’ Donner groaned from beneath a snore.
‘Thought of that!’ Vixen replied. ‘I brought up two boxes.’
Rudolphina spoiled the occasion. He always was a stickler for detail. He picked up the second Scrabble box, ran an eye over it, and announced, ‘This one’s the Polish-language version.’
‘And?’ Comet asked.
‘It’ll be awash with zeds and pees and worse still, double-yous. And then there are the accents.’
A huge alcohol-fueled row ensued. Had one never heard of wild cards – but they are stones, not cards – don’t be obtuse – don’t swear at me tufty butt. And so on. Season of goodwill had gone up the chimney, more than down.
It took Santa over an hour to get the reindeer back in harmony, by which time he was exhausted and wished he’d never be responsible for another animal.
‘Your first go, Santa,’ said Rudolphina at the first sign of silence.
Santa stacked his stones, looked at the cuddly, cute expectant reindeer faces around the table and sighed, ‘What am I going to do with you lot?’
Then he looked at his rack.
It spelled V.E.N.I.S.O.N.
‘Santa, why aren’t you starting?’ asked Cupid.
Santa thought a while, then turned to Vixen.
‘I don’t suppose you spotted the automatic rifle in the cellar, Vixen. The one we refused to deliver to the White House, back in 2018.’
- Santa’s Chase - December 20, 2024
- Open All Night - July 14, 2024
