Catatonia
written by: Veronika Kordikowski
The rumbling hail reflects my turmoil
As I sit here alone at my kitchen table.
Tonight, he’s in the hospital… again.
Damn it!
Catatonia has gripped his being.
He talks-
-sometimes in sentences
-sometimes barely above a whisper in jumbled words.
-sometimes not at all, he’s mute.
His haunting eyes search my face as he gingerly asks if I’m ok?
I respond, “I am OK, but how are you?”
He cannot answer.
Just another indecipherable question!
I knew something was oh so wrong.
I felt it inside.
This new medication
Strangles his brain from within.
I told the doctors in the ER,
“He’s regressing into Catatonia, again!”
Only to hear their pat reply,
“No, no have him take an increased dosage today and go home.”
“But what about him slipping into Catatonia?”
“He’ll be fine.”
Well, he wasn’t!
And he isn’t!
And he won’t be for some time now!
His being withdraws,
Pacing, anxious, paranoid, and voiceless
Urgently, I phone my mom.
“We need to take him back to the ER tonight!
He’s in a bad state and neither of us can wait till tomorrow.”
The nurse asks why we’re back, “What’s the difference?”
The difference?
He’s gone!
He’s mute.
He’s sad.
I’m mad and I feel had by the ER this morning.
She listens and allows him into the examination room.
Traumatizing him! Again!
Traumatizing me! Again!
Traumatizing!
The Psychiatrist on call actually consults with us this time.
He sees my beautiful husband struggling to exist
struggling to find non-existent words.
My husband is admitted.
I hug him one last time
Before two burly Security Guards walk him to the Psych Ward.
I won’t see him till the next day during visiting hours.
Paralyzed, again.
With mind and body, he rages within!
“Ring…ring.. “
My phone wakes me up.
A soft, “Hello.”
“Dan? Is this you, my husband Dan?”
“Yes.”
I wonder, “How on earth is he talking to me?”
Maybe he just needed a really good night’s sleep?
“I’m coming soon to visit you,” I tell him.
I phone his psych nurse, “How is he?”
She says, “I remembered him from 2018 and how an injection of 2mg Ativan helped him come out of Catatonia a bit so I gave him a shot today,
and it seems to be working.”
Dan’s Angel!
My Hero!
You’ve brought my husband back to me!
Even if in a small way.
He’s no longer totally mute.
Just slightly, depending on the time of day in relation to the Ativan shot.
I’m hopeful my husband won’t have such a terribly hard battle/hill to surmount towards sanity this time around.
I’m wrong!
His journey is just as hard this time around.
It’s been over two weeks and he’s been on increasing amounts of Ativan shots up to three shots a day at 2mg each.
Some days his voice is clear and loud, and he can express himself wonderfully.
On other days his voice is barely that of a whisper and he can hardly fragment together a sentence or train of thought.
This is a tough path to navigate. The ups, the downs, and the indescribable in-betweens.
Catatonic Schizophrenia, the mood disorder plaguing my husband’s mind.
Because so little is known about this illness, finding a cure is a heart-wrenching journey.
I know my husband is in there somewhere and when I glimpse his essence, I am reassured he will make it out this time too!
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:
My husband spent many months in hospital as they worked hard to get him out of Catatonia. They were hugely successful and I have my wonderful human being with me again!
- Catatonia - October 9, 2024
- The Deafening Din of the Nighttime Agitation - June 30, 2023
