I Only Wish
That I Had Never Dreamt of the Homecoming
written by: Toch Magoak
I remember the day I returned to my homeland,
A place I thought was my own, where I could stand.
I came with hope and dreams, with a heart full of cheer,
Thinking I would find my forever home, where I could live without fear.
I envisioned a life filled with peace and delight,
A place where I could laugh and love, through day and night.
but now, I’m left with tears, and a soul that has lost its way,
wondering why my homeland, can’t be my safe haven, every day.
The city that once felt like home, now feels so cold and grey,
the streets that once echoed with laughter, now echo with stories of dismay.
I thought I had found my haven, my place to rest and be,
but now, I’m forced to flee, and find a new place to call me.
I see foreigners walking freely, with smiles on their faces,
enjoying the beauty of my homeland, in a way I’m not allowed to embrace.
They walk with ease and confidence, without any fear or shame,
But whenever I try to emaciate their move,
I feel a hot blow at the side of my cheek and handcuffed after.
While I’m left to hide, and find a secret place to call my own, to bear the blame.
It’s hard to understand, why I’m not welcome in my own land,
Why not my own country, can’t be my safe haven, my dear, my guiding hand.
I’ve tried to make sense of it, to find a reason why,
But the more I search for answers, the more I realize I have to say goodbye.
I will hold my head up high, and walk away with pride
and not be ashamed in so doing because it feels right to be done,
though my heart is heavy, and my soul is tired, and I cried.
I’ll find a new home, where love and peace entwine,
a place where I can be myself, without fear of being left behind,
a place where I will have the right to do any job of my wish
rather than running after Junub tycoons for a penny to spend my day.
It won’t be easy, to leave this place behind,
To start anew, and find a new sense of purpose, a new sense of mind,
to get along with the new people only God knows that I shall find in my haven,
if Junub is a hell to me, then maybe, my haven shall be my paradise.
But I’ll take the lessons I’ve learned, and the love I’ve known,
and use them to build a new life, in a place where I can call my own,
where I can go to: school, hospital, and right church.
And though it’s hard to let go,
I’ll leave this heartache behind and go to my place to be
that when you ask me where, I can not even answer
‘because in fact I don’t know where to go
but for my safety’s sake, I must flee even to the ocean
if I shall find sense of peace of mind and a sense of hope there.
I am ready to risk this miserable life of mine.
& I’ll rise above the pain, and find a way to heal,
And maybe some days Junub shall be hungry for me.
It’s hard to understand why and how,
but what can I do when I am already left to collect the piece.
Let me go back to the old days when sometimes,
hearing the well-being of my own bloodlines was the hardest thing to do,
although the shame is unbearable,
Maybe I shall be happy there!
- I Only Wish - July 7, 2025
