People talk about learning to love again.., well I’m not sure I even know what it was/is in the first place. Love for me, and in my family was always surrounded by paranoia, suspicion, an accusation, and alcohol-fueled diatribes. Later on, life added ultimate betrayal, lies and a deep-seated sadness in my chest to the list.
To me, this all sounds like the furthest thing away from love a person can get. Maybe a person has to get as far away from a feeling as you can in order to really appreciate it.
If we are always constantly growing and learning, I wonder what it is that I am learning? What will I grow to be? Where are my experiences taking me? I am afraid that there is nothing in this life that all this growing and learning is preparing me for. I believe in my heart that only my mind prepares itself for the next steps I must take in my journey.
Those feelings that I had as a teenager when I first left home come flooding through me and I shake and vibrate with all the emotions of that ignorant child of yesterday. But it is the tomorrow to come that I now shake and vibrate for and the hopeful anticipation that I may not lose myself at the end of all things.
Heterogeneous into hewn masked fettered pieces standing at the edge of the night, looking down my histories lost memories. There are words spoken and thoughts I keep in the night that are less proud beyond the light of day. I ventured a stare into the depths and I did let the storm wash over me…
… and it carried my soul awash, over the edge, into the abyss.
I've always been a jack of all trades. I've been a poet, author, social commentator, comedian, online gamer, pod cast host, and Youtuber. I've had a class A license to drive semi truck over the road. I've worked as a chef, manager and all kitchen positions in hundreds of restaurants over the years. I've traveled in Mexico, Canada and through 37 of the 50 states. I've been a volunteer firefighter in Florida, where I grew up. I've fished the waters of the Gulf of Mexico and saw the far distant coast line of Cuba before its recent opening to the west. I've married, had 4 kids, divorced, got CKD stage 6 (end stage renal failure) Survived a stroke, mild heart attack, MRSA, blood clots and now chronic heart failure. Fully disabled and home bound, the internet is my social outlet, and window on the world. I go to dialysis three times a week, I watch movies, play video games and chat with people on social media. Writing is my catharsis for a life that is now spent measuring the time I have left, less the tomorrows that may never be.