Obese
written by: roger turner
@titansdad
Now, I am not a huge man
I’m not large by any means
In fact it is surprising
I still wear normal jeans
My pants don’t have elastics
I still use normal towels
But, my BMI stats tell me
I’m a word that has three vowels.
It started just this morning
When I got upon the scale
After getting back my numbers
I felt like a beached whale
Our scale is something special
Uplifting messages it did send
Today when I stood on it
It said, is it you and your fat friend?
I thought this can’t be right
I saw the numbers there
I’ve gained ten pounds since Christmas
But, I’m damned if I know where
I thought that the old batteries
Just needed to be changed
But, the numbers were the same again
That damn scale is deranged
Most times I eat real healthy
No fried foods and lots of greens
But I keep on getting fatter
And I don’t know what this means
I entered all my numbers
My height, and weight increase
And when my BMI was figured
It said “Son, you’re obese”
Now, I do not ride a scooter
I wear an xl shirt
But seeing that word on the chart
Well, man….that really hurt
I watch shows on my TV
of people in bad shape
They weigh in at 600 pounds
And to them I am a grape.
My knees may hurt, my back is sore
But that’s not from my weight
They hurt from my arthritis
Not from my rotund state
Obese, to me is something
That I swore I’d never be
It’s a tag that is real hurtful
And it is one I have to see
Each time I get upon the scale
And then go to the chart
It comes up as obese each time
It really breaks my heart
Now, exercise and I are friends
We met once in the past
But we always seem have a fight
And our friendship does not last
I’ve tried diets that do wonders
They make the pounds fall off
But after twenty pounds of loss or so
My body starts to scoff
It says “you know you’re fooling no one”
“A skinny you’s just fake”
“So, come on down off the treadmill”
“And let’s go get some cake”
So exercise is not for me
There must be other ways
To lose the weight that I’ve put on
One I can do in days!
I’m looking for a short cut
To break me from my obese rut
So, I chose Liposuction
Where they stick a tube inside my gut
They said “you are a candidate”
Like, there was choice that had been made
I knew I had to get the weight off
If I wanted to get laid
They took me in a little room
And had me lie down on the bed
Then they put a tag on my big toe
I said “…in case I wake up dead?”
They said it was to tell them what to do
I said I weigh 300 pounds,
So if I know, why don’t you?
They drew some lines upon my gut
and down on to my thighs
I said don’t touch nothing down there
It’s exactly the right size
They told me that the lines were just
To show them where to suck
Again, I thought below my waist
And I thought “just my luck”
They said a hose would suck the fat
That my body had in store
I thought, that’s only so
I can fill it up with more
They said that it would hurt some
And I’d be sore and bruised
Then they showed me a few pictures
Those people looked abused
I said, no thanks, I’m outa here
I’m gonna lose it right
I didn’t put it on that quick
And I won’t lose it overnight
I’ll change the food I’m eating
And I’ll go and walk a bit
I’ll use the stairs a little more
And this time I won’t quit
But, as I thought of liposuction
And that really neat machine
To own something that sucks like that
Would be so bloody keen!
Now, I’m working on my weight loss
And folks, here is the scoop
I’ dropped two pound this afternoon
I just had a good poop!
Just exercise some caution
If your scale says you’re obese
For I’m in this fight beside you
And our weights will both decrease!
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