Pebbles Of Feeling
written by: Henry Ikechukwu
@Ikechukwuhenry_
Henry’s cauldron of emotions burst the moment Uchenna stormed out from the two bedroom flat they lived in. It was his fault, his sloppiness to understand Uchenna’s points to their argument, his disregard for Uchenna, and his dereliction of duty to apologize. Despite knowing he wasn’t entirely to blame, Henry’s introspection was consumed by a tempest of emotions.
Henry stared intensely at the closed door, a whirlwind of emotions flaring at his skin. Why? Why didn’t I apologize? He stumped to the two-seater couch and slumped on it, rebuking his negligence as tears twinkled down his cheeks in torrent. They were arguing about the characters in the book The Heart Of The Matter by Greene Graham. The remissness of the main character: Scobie who abandoned his wife, Louise, at the mercy of the sea to find solace under the blossom of another woman. But Henry thought Uchenna was being rigid in his point.
“C’mon, man, you know you’re being too hard on the character. I mean, you don’t force love and normalcy on someone. It comes as free as the bird in the sky.” Henry had to correct Uchenna’s inaccuracy. But it made Uchenna’s nostril flare up. Henry could perceive Uchenna balled fists behind the hems of his sweatpants as he scurried to the couch, then swirl a turn to face him.
“You think Scobie doesn’t love his wife? Why didn’t he divorce her when she returned from South Africa? He was being Indecisive and childish to my liking.”
Henry muffled the snort whizzing out from his lips. Will Uchenna understand his own point? “You seriously ain’t getting me at all,” he flung his hands apart in exaggeration, then rested them on his hips. “I didn’t say he didn’t love his wife. His lust for Helen tore him between his catholic faith and his wife’s reticence regarding the news of his unfaithfulness. You talked about divorce: you know it can’t happen when the war hasn’t ended yet. What about Scobie’s immunity to bribery, especially Yousef’s tricks to get Scobie into covering up for him, in regards to the smuggling of diamonds—” Uchenna’s hand halted the rest of Henry’s words.
“We are done with this discussion,” Uchenna muttered through tight-lipped, his tone becoming antagonistic.
“You will never realize the details of the book you’re reading when you keep flipping through the pages.” Henry retorted, unable to hold back the words. Henry flinched at the coldness in Uchenna’s voice, the blazing embers under the stern gaze Uchenna gave him as he leaned against the door frame of his room. He’s grimacing, Henry thought, fisting his palms at the sudden chill that sizzled across his veins. The air became abrasive and tense with quietness, galling Henry’s thudding heart at the stillness of Uchenna who watched him with furrowed eyes.
Then Uchenna spoke, his tone infuriated, his words hard and slashing through Henry’s skin like a knife across the butter. “Really? I flip through all the books I read? Well, to hell with your readings and points.” He turned abruptly and stopped as if the words were caught in his throat. “Never bring up this discussion of a book in front of me again.” Henry watched as Uchenna’s frame entered the room and came out, storming towards the front door.
“Where are you going?” Henry asked, hoping that Uchenna would ignore him, but he was wrong to assume.
“To my parents or what?” Uchenna hissed loudly. “I’m not going to return tonight and don’t bother looking for me. So bar the door behind me.” Then his frame got swallowed by the fervid sun outside, never gazing back at Henry.
One day turned into two, three, then four days, and heading to five but Henry hadn’t caught a whiff of Uchenna’s presence. Sometimes, he’d huddle on the blue couch, stretching his neck over the window; or he’d walk to it, draping off the pane, hoping he’d see the silhouette of Uchenna.
Sometimes, he’d sulk in disappointment, strings of sadness draped around his heart, his face clouded with worry and fear of the unknown. Sometimes when he’d
hear a familiar voice, a rustle on the dry ground, he’d scramble to the front door, beam of hope, of elation, cascading around his eyes in anticipation, his breath snug on his nostril.
Sighs of disappointment puffed out from his lips when he realized the rustle, the voices were those of their neighbors living across their flat. Henry was left yearning for Uchenna’s return, his heart entangled in a web of unanswered questions and emotions.
On the fourth day, Henry curled up under the duvet covers, his phone in his hand. He noticed Uchenna was online on Facebook. He quickly sent him an anonymous long message, expressing his feelings he didn’t know he had, how sad he had been hiding under the umbrella of friendship. A sudden air of cognizance blasted Henry when he grasped he had been in love with Uchenna, and his absence for days now had opened his eyes. He sighed in despondency. Will he know I am the one who sent it? Whirlwind of emotions, of unanswered questions clouded his mind as he hoped for the best.
Henry, moping on the cold food in front of him, thought he had heard Uchenna’s husky voice singing. He dismissed it as one of his hallucinations. Then it came again, this time, more clearer. He heard Uchenna toning the song ‘Excess Love by Mercy Chinwo,’ accentuating ‘he loves me too much oh’ as if those were the only words he could grasp.
Henry saw himself leaping to his feet, flares of elation pumped at his veins as he bolted to Uchenna standing at the door, watching him, hauling himself on his arms. He noticed Uchenna stumbled a little backwards at his weight, tensed under his touch. Sob snaked out from Henry’s lips, his head buried in Uchenna’s chest. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have chased you away with my bad words,” Henry mumbled, convulsing.
“Hey, you’re acting like a baby. Quit that.” Uchenna lifted his head to stare at Henry’s.
“But I’m a baby, a child trapped in adult skin.” Henry quickly daubed the tears on his cheeks, laughing. “Where have you been? I asked your friends about your whereabouts but the answers I got were negative.”
“I told you never to search for me? Didn’t you hear?” the propriety of Uchenna switching from the sweetness he saw a moment ago to the Uchenna he knew amazed him. His tone was becoming abrasive, getting annoyed. Henry sighed, heading to the couch and sitting across Uchenna, who was stuffing out something from his little bag.
“Are you the one that sent me this love message?” So he read it? Henry said nothing, staring at Uchenna whose eyes were equally on him.
His heart thumped, and he thought Uchenna might be hearing it.
The room was suddenly thick with silence, so impermeable that Henry could almost hear the buzz of the air, the loud echo of its stillness, the pumping of his blood circulating around his veins. Then he spoke, his voice low and cautious. “What did the message say?” he saw Uche rolled his eyes, tapping on his phone, and began to read.
Dear Uchenna,
How are you and where have you been?
Uchenna paused to stare at Henry’s face.
How beautiful love is. So universal, too perfect to embellish two souls together, yet simple in its action. Love is a dazzling thing, you know? An expression of the soul, an action of the body which is often too hard to conceal. I lack words to garnish how I feel about you but I just want to let you know that I have been in love with you, hiding under the guise of friendship.
Yours Kosi.
Henry knew Uchenna skipped a huge part of the message, heading straight to the main part. Perhaps, because of its lengthiness, the stylishness of the complex words he used.
“You wrote this, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I did, but how did you know?”
“It was easy. You dropped hints in it and your closing words were your nickname which I’m sure you intentionally put there.”
Henry’s heart pulsated as Uchenna shifted closer to him, hauling his hand over Henry’s shoulder.
“Your boldness and courage astounded me. I know how hard it must have been for you to harbor unreciprocated feelings. I know you’re a queer from Adam; I am too—a bisexual—but I’m not ready to give in to my gay side. To let the tide of attraction I have towards boys overwhelm me and I have a girlfriend who I love too much. I hope you find someone worthy of you.” The pulchritudinous of Uchenna’s words were so soothing that tears coursed down Henry’s cheeks. He dabbed it away quickly.
“I wish you didn’t tell me this,” his voice cracked, too hoarse. Henry was suddenly aware of Uchenna’s silence, the formality of Uchenna’s lips on his head and his strides to his room. He realized he could never get him willing and he had to let his feelings go. A rancorous decision he must take.
Days turned into weeks, and Henry and Uchenna resumed their routines, pretending as though nothing had changed. They laughed, they shared stories, and they held each other’s secrets. Yet, there was an underlying tension, an unspoken ache that lingered between them.
Henry sought solace in the pages of books, burying himself in fictional worlds to escape the reality of his unrequited love. But even in the depths of literature, his thoughts often wandered to Uchenna, leaving him longing for something that could never be.
The bond between Henry and Uchenna remained strong, but an invisible barrier separated them. Their conversations became tinged with careful restraint, avoiding topics that could bring forth hidden desires and unspoken confessions. It was a delicate dance, their hearts yearning for more but bound by the constraints of circumstance.
And so, they continued on, their friendship teetering on the edge of unspoken truths and unexplored possibilities. Each passing day carried a bittersweet weight, a reminder of the love that could never be fully realized.
But in the quiet of their shared moments, as they sat side by side, Henry couldn’t help but wonder if, somewhere within the confines of their hearts, a tiny glimmer of hope still burned. A flicker of what could have been, silently etching itself into the fabric of their souls, waiting for the right moment to ignite into something more.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:
Please note that the character name, Henry, has no identification with the author/writer.
- Pebbles Of Feeling - January 2, 2024
