I have Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I have symptoms of anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder. I have this terrible illness which people just don’t seem to understand. And it hurts. So let me explain it to you.
You can’t tell me to eat on a day when the thought makes me physically sick. It’s not that simple, I can’t just eat. For days I’ll barely eat anything, just enough to keep from passing out. But then I binge. For me bingeing is eating a hamburger and fries and then eating ice cream. It doesn’t sound like a lot of food but to me it is. When my illness is really bad it’s enough to make me lean over the toilet for hours trying to throw up.
Sometimes I lie about having eaten so I can avoid having to eat a meal, I say I’m full from my last meal. Which I never had. But I just can’t stomach food.
I stand in front of the bathroom mirror every day trying to see if my stomach is any flatter. I weigh myself obsessively. Like I’m going to weigh less thirty seconds from the last time I weighed myself. My weight is a constant obsession. My doctor weighs me every week to keep an eye on me.
I wish that I could just snap out of it. I wish it were that easy, but it’s not. If you know someone with an eating disorder please be kind. Don’t scold us or say hurtful things. Don’t tell us to just eat or just keep it down, don’t tell us to just stop exercising or stop eating so much. Don’t tell us we’re stupid. These things can be hurtful and it really doesn’t help. Instead of judging us try to understand, try to educate yourself. Try to help us by being there for us and caring.
I’ve had this horrible disease for two years now and it’s amazing how many hurtful things I’ve heard. Believe me if I could ‘just eat’ I would. If I could stop obsessing over my weight I would. If I could get rid of this disease so easily, I would.
My name is Meghan, I’m 27 years old and live with Bipolar I Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, and Eating Disorder NOS. But I’m a survivor. I’m a fighter. Last year I released a book about my hospitalisations. Always Unstable: Bipolar and Hospitalisation: A Memoir. I also write frequently on my blog.