Retribution
written by: Tim Love
@TimLoveWriter
“Thank you all for turning up,” said Pontius, “You must be as fed up of Zoom as I am, and this outrageous libel has continued far too long. I trust you’ve all read the discussion document I sent around. Any comments?”
“I think we should take action via the courts,” said Judas.
“The problem is which,” replied Pontius.
“How about the European court of human rights? Israel’s in the Eurovision song contest nowadays so it must be possible.”
“I’ve looked into that already,” said Pontius, shaking his head, “Each of us would need to apply independently. Too much work for us, and we can’t trust the evangelists to agree on the details.”
“We could start with the most deserving case and see how it goes,” said Judas, “I had to wear yellow for centuries, and they gave me red hair. No wonder I topped myself.”
“If it wasn’t for you Judas,” said Peter, “Jesus wouldn’t have been crucified, he wouldn’t have risen, and humanity wouldn’t have been saved. You had the last laugh all the way to the bank – you starred in Jesus Christ Superstar for years, didn’t you? But I disowned him three times.”
“You repented,” said Pontius, “That made everything ok. It’s what Christianity’s all about.”
“I’ve a stronger case than you, Pontius,” said Peter, “Everyone knows you were only pleasing the crowd, against your will.”
“True, I got my PR team on it early. What about you Herod?”
“I wasn’t even alive then,” he said, “They rigged the dates to make me look bad.”
“But you have to admit,” said Pontius, “it was in character – you’d do anything to cling to power. Did you really kill your sons?”
“No comment,” said Herod, smiling, “Which just leaves you, Thomas.”
They all turned to Doubting Thomas, picking his nose at the back of the room.
“Until you came along, Thomas,” said Pontius, “pure faith was stronger than evidence.”
“But Jesus let me do it!” said Thomas.
“Yes, and theologians used that to encourage pilgrimages, relics, and rituals. You’re responsible for simony, science, and all the rest of it.”
So they agreed to let Thomas try his luck first. Herod returned to the Kremlin, Pontius left to judge Dancing with the Stars, Judas continued selling off National Parks, and Peter was still agonising about coming out. Only Thomas was in no rush. When the Pope died, Thomas would be ready to take his place.
- Retribution - March 6, 2024
