Say Goodbye To The Robot
written by: Danielle Broomfield
Dear Robot Self: You have permission to be human!
That means you get to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, to make more mistakes, and learn from those too! This is how you gain wisdom!
I’ve been thinking about why some ppl change throughout their lives while others remain stuck. Why can 2 ppl both be in therapy for years and one grows, matures, and heals while the other one spends their life stuck in their story?
I’ve been reading some studies on this very topic and they say that those of us who stay stuck in our heads, and we can re-traumatize ourselves by telling the same story over and over again. This keeps us surrounded by our shame. Not one person has ever healed through shame. This is so incredibly true for myself! I keep over-intellectualizing my pain and trauma. I’ve been in therapy FOR YEARS and have learned so many facts about trauma. I’ve picked apart countless things that have happened to me. While this has made me much more aware of why things are the way they are in my life, it hasn’t helped me fix it.
My problem is that I’ve never allowed myself to feel the pain in my body. It has remained trapped, rolling around in my head. I can talk about things and stay just dissociated enough, to be able to think about it without feeling it. I can write in brutal detail about traumatic moments of my life but have no emotion. I can also accurately describe something in nature, beautiful scenes and breathtaking sunsets but I struggle to feel it in my body.
My journey towards coming into my body has been brutally slow and frustrating, often feeling as if I’m moving backwards. Baby steps, they say. Small steps, one at a time, letting things trickle as opposed to flooding, are easier for my nervous system to maintain. Emotions are hard for me, and even the positive ones require small doses. It gets overwhelming quite quickly and then I shut down. But I do believe I am able to do this, step by step. Seeing further than the very next moment isn’t easy without becoming overwhelmed, but the next moment is the only thing I need to worry about right now.
I’m not giving up. I deserve to feel in awe at the morning sunrise and joy when I hold a friend’s baby. It’s also OK for me to feel angry when I see someone bullying another person and to feel sad if someone hurts my feelings. It’s all part of being human.
And I’m giving myself permission to be human! I don’t want to be a cold, mechanical robot anymore!
- Say Goodbye To The Robot - August 12, 2024
