Sometimes I Just Hate Myself
written by: Mary Bevan
To be honest, I knew Evie didn’t really deserve the waves of jealous hate I was sending her up the coffee queue, but why does she have to look so darned elegant in those skin-tight pink pants and matching top when I’ve put on weight again and look like I’ve just spent the night in a shop doorway. Actually, I have spent the last few days – and nights – processing Jack’s announcement that he’s found a new significant other.
‘Rough night?’ says a voice behind me. It’s Pogo.
‘Gee, thanks for the support,’ I say, giving him one of my killer glares.
‘Oh come on,’ he says, ‘happens to all of us.’.So Jack’s been blabbing, and now everyone knows. It’s so not fair. I turn my back on Pogo.
Miss Smarty-Pink-Pants is head of the queue now. I see the barista having a full-on conversation with her, probably lusting after all that expensively corseted flesh. Bet he won’t waste more than a sentence on me. ‘He’s taking his time,’ I growl.
‘Oh, stop whining,’ says Pogo, ‘he’s probably commiserating with her bad news. Like most decent people would. By the way, your sweatshirt’s on backwards.’
‘What bad news?’ I ask, cheering up at the thought of someone else being miserable like me.
‘Geez, what cave have you been living in? Everyone knows. Cancer – stage 4,” Pogo gives an emphatic thumbs down.
Oh God, I’d missed that completely. I stand there feeling humiliated, hating myself for my evil thoughts, and wondering how to make it up to her. When I get my coffee, I take it across to Evie’s table, where she’s sitting all alone. Her face is puckered, and her makeup’s all smudged, but I have to admit she’s beautiful for all that.
‘I’m so sorry, Evie,’ I say, ‘truly I am.’ She looks up and smiles feebly, ‘Thanks, Jonie. People are so nice. It’s good to have friends.’
Of course, she doesn’t know what I’m really trying to say.
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