Wife Murderer
written by: Patrick McAteer
David is a tall, heavily built man in his mid-fifties who speaks with a pronounced South Yorkshire accent. He is on long-term sick leave due to stress and ill health. He moves slowly due to scarring of the soles of his feet, together with a bad back. He continues to suffer from severe bouts of pain despite having had an operation to address this in the recent past. Weekday mornings, he attends a communal café run by the Residence Association, where he has breakfast and chats. One of those serving attends a local church and has been instrumental in getting David to come to the church’s coffee mornings on a Thursday. That in itself was a feat, as Dave is agnostic. It was here he came to know a small man, Laurance, albeit fleetingly.
Dave has been off the booze for five months now. He was not so much an alcoholic as a binge drinker. Now, when he goes out alone, he sips a solitary Guinness Zero. There is a pub at the end of his road where he stops off on his way home from an HR assessment at the hospital, from where he is currently on sick leave. Laurence enters the establishment and exchanges a few niceties with Dave before gravitating to the area of the bar where a group had been chatting together with the barman. The latter is the first to address him:
‘What the f… happened to you?’
‘Oh, my hair. I got it done.’ (Laurance had his hair dyed an azure blue)
‘How much did you pay for that?’
‘Sixty quid.’
The barman laughs and says: ‘What the f…k! I would have done it for ten.’
The group at the counter has stopped laughing and continues to stare at the intruder, and so he turns and makes his way to the jukebox.
Before he can choose a song, however, a gruff voice from the counter announces itself.
‘Don’t you be going to try and steal my credit you c..t!’
Laurance stops in his tracks, saying he is not trying to steal anyone’s credit and is going to put his own money in.
The ruffian warns that he had better do so, or otherwise he was going to get a clout.
The barman interjects, addressing the rogue: ‘Oh, you had better be careful with him, or he’ll stab you. He has been in prison, him.’
Dave had been aware from the church café, that Laurance had killed his wife during a domestic altercation after she had stabbed him. He had removed the knife and subsequently lunged it into her. Laurance was given a prison sentence of nine months based on mitigating circumstances insofar as he had been suffering severe abuse from his wife over a protracted period.
The young man at the bar directs his shout at Laurance.
‘That Smurf won’t stab me. I am going to clock him before the night is out!’
Laurance didn’t reply but coyly made his way to the end of the bar.
Every so often, the thug would call out.
‘Who the f..k put that shite on… It can only be that c…t Smurf!’
Dave continues to view the antics from the comfort of his corner side table.
Eventually, Laurance got up, and his blue head disappeared out the door.
Following on, derogatory comments were dropped, such as, what a f…ing weirdo.
Dave returned to the church café two days later and explained what he had witnessed as various heads turned from small wooden tables.
One of the organisers, Janet, speaks, saying: ‘Oh, Laurance brings it all on himself, telling everyone he has been in jail for stabbing his wife.’
- Wife Murderer - May 20, 2026
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