Appalachian In Laws
written by: roger turner
@titansdad
Time to meet the family
At least, that’s what I heard
But, she asked me when the game was on
So, I didn’t catch a word
We’d be heading out a week from now
Back where it all began
To meet the wife’s whole family
every woman, every man
When she said she was from the hills
I didn’t ask her where
But, once he started on our way
I was always looking out for bear
They lived way up in the wooded parts
Off the road, you couldn’t see
I didn’t see just where they were
But, I felt them watching me
We pulled on up and there they were
They made the Clampett clan look good
Eighteen folks all standing there
and two were chewing wood
The one’s I thought to be her folks
Were her sister and a dog
The one that cozied up to me
Had a leash walking a hog
There was hugging and some kissing
Lots of tangled beards and hair
Then they stood and looked at me
With that mountain kind of stare
you know the one, deliverance like
where you wonder flee or flight
It was just then that I wondered
If I’d make it through the night
Her ma came up and spun me round
slapped my ass, and said “he’ll do”
I wasn’t sure if that was good
And I would end up in a stew
A bearded one came over,
shook my hand, and said his name was Clem
He said that mama liked me
Now, I was one of them
they was fixing to go hunting
Which was something new to me
The last time I went hunting
I shot a canoe and a tree
They said that they were hunting
The most elusive mountain prey
I was gonna hunt for ginseng
And if we found some it would pay
First, though, time to have some drinks
Eat some greasy, stinky meal
I think it was a possum
But, it might have been an eel
They said we’d get a good night’s sleep
And they started howling at the moon
Time to hit the sack they said
Hunting time is coming soon
My Appalachian in-laws
Made my sphincter close up tight
They had 14 teeth between them
And I don’t think one of them could write
We hit the trail next morning
It felt like miles up that hill
I thought that I was dieing
And I hadn’t left a will
A sound was heard, a gentle coo
And we was running, in our boots
Clem was out in front of us
And he’d discovered ginseng roots
I picked them up, all scraggly
Like a parsnip, dried and dead
When a holler came from brother Boo
A monster known as Red
His beard was black as coal could be
His eyes looked at each other
They called him Red not for his hair
Just ’cause he liked the color
They filled the bags with what they found
And back down the hill they went
I thought that this was insanely mad
And then Clem got a scent
Someone else was on this hill
Out hunting Appalachian gold
That’s not what I would call it
But, I just call things as I’m told
We found the truck and sped away
To get paid for the days find
We had to make sure all were there
And that we left no one behind
The gun shop and the bar and grill
Was where we would get paid
Thirteen hundred bucks a pound
Almost three grand had we made
We went back with the cash in hand
Howling at whatever we saw
I guess that I’m now one of them
An Appalachian outlaw in-law
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