Florsheim On My Mind
written by: Judge Burdon
What kind of Psychological observation is that for a Psychologist to tell someone? It’s not like I don’t have enough shit to deal with. Now I’ll have this to think about and haunt me.
“You don’t use drugs to kill the pain Santiago you use drugs to feel the pain. It’s a self-destructive mechanism that you use to suppress traumatic experiences from your past.
Your addiction isn’t to drugs themselves it’s your way of punishing yourself.”
I wanted to tell her that her diagnosis is a complete fabrication of her imagination.
I use (at times maybe abuse) drugs because I like getting high. There’s no underlying cause to what she considers as deviant behavior.
And the money I’m paying for this psychological evaluation could be used for more enjoyable activities. It was causing me stress and to experience a trauma from having client remorse.
“Santiago have you heard anything I’ve said? Do you have any comments or questions?”
“I do have a question. Where do you think a one legged person goes shopping for shoes? I mean are there shoe stores that sell a single shoe? Or do they have to purchase a pair and then they’re stuck with a shoe that is useless? Maybe there’s a support group that introduces them to another one legged person missing the opposite leg and they shop for shoes together. Which brings up another question concerning their taste in fashion. They would have to……”
“Santiago stop the nonsense! Do you think this is humorous? We’re dealing with a serious situation here and I need you to participate and accept responsibility for your addiction. Do you understand? Have you enrolled in the court ordered Angry Management Class?”
“I went to register for the class but they informed me that I’d have to pay $250 to enroll. And that pissed me off and I became angry. And on top of that bullshit the classes were scheduled on Saturday Nights for 8 weeks and were 4 hours long. That just added to my anger and I figured that if registering for the class caused me to become angry they would prove to be ineffective. So I said fuck it and left before I turned into the Hulk.
Don’t you think it would constitute a conflict of interest for me to receive counseling from someone else? It could possibly result in a complete anxiety disorder. I thought that I could receive your expertise during my sessions here to deal with my anger.”
“You completely exhaust me, drain my energy. Have you always been a Vampire sucking the life out of everyone that attempts to assist and support you? So I’m afraid to ask but are you attending your NA and AA meetings? And they are free so don’t use cost as an excuse.”
“That’s not very professional to degrade me and refer to me as a Vampire. If I wanted that kind of abuse I’d call my x wife and she calls me names that are much worse. And she doesn’t charge me $75 an hour. It’s free!”
“I’m going to meetings but I’ve been asked not to return to two NA meetings and AA doesn’t appeal to me. I’m just unable to identify with drunks simply because I enjoy drinking and don’t consider it as a problem. Plus I always have to have a beer after a meeting. And I’m a bad influence because I invite other members to join me.”
I didn’t divulge that NA meetings are one of the best places to score dope. Whenever I was in a new or unfamiliar city I would attend a meeting and was always able to buy drugs or get hooked up with members’ dealers.
“That’s enough for today the session is over. Let’s schedule our next meeting for next Wednesday at 2:00 and I’ll expect you to participate. Is that feasible to you? It’s not on Saturday and it’s only for an hour. Let me write you a prescription for some more Klonopin and Depakote. Remember to go to the Lab and have your blood work to check your Depakote level. Take care of yourself Santiago. Looking forward to seeing you next week.”
I wasn’t convinced of her sincerity. Reached my car and did a large line of Cocaine. Ah now everything is back to normal.
His short stories and poems have been featured in; The Remnant Leaf, Stay Weird and Keep Writing, Independent Writer's Podcast, Spillwords, The Beatnik Cowboy, Down in the Dirt Magazine, The Raven Cage, Eskimo Pie, Across The Margin, Story Pub, Scarlet Leaf Review, Horror Sleaze Trash, The Stray Branch and Anti-Heroin Chic.
"Stray Dogs and Deuces Wild Cautionary Tales" the first book from Santiago was published by HST Publishing in January. He is presently engaged in finishing his book "Imitation of Myself." A non-fiction story encompassing his experiences as a drug runner for a Mexican Cartel. He celebrated his 66th birthday last July and lives modestly in Costa Rica.
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