Hitler Goes To Confession
written by: Long Hammer
The Russians were advancing through Berlin and soon would be at the bunker. Adolf was sitting next to the body of his dead girlfriend Eva, wondering if this was the end for him as well. Not one to admit defeat, Adolf rummaged through Eva’s closet and found a long blond wig, a house dress, and a pair of sensible shoes. Putting on the costume, after shaving off his beloved bottle-brush mustache, he was joined by a fanatical SS Schutzhaftlagerführer named Schultz who was dressed as a simple workman.
After setting timers on the explosives that would destroy all the evidence, the two ran down the bunker’s secret passageway. Accompanied by rat-tat-tat of the nearby Russian machine guns only blocks away, they ran like men possessed. Once outside the tunnel, Adolf climbed into a waiting delivery truck, its motor idling and back door open. Adolf hid behind some crates in the back of the truck and pulled his trusty P-38 pistol ready for action, but anticipating the worst.
Gunning the engine on the old truck, Schultz started their dangerous journey. He knew that even if it meant his death, he must deliver Germany’s paramount leader to safety. Schultz drove through the dark streets of Berlin, avoiding the numerous roadblocks and gunfire to the outskirts of the city and tentative safety.
Before his heroic rescue of his beloved Führer at the bunker, the Schutzhaftlagerführer had been busy taking Adolf’s closest advisors to a secret location, hidden deep in the forest near Lake Teufelssee. Once Adolf joined the group, they spent anxious days in their remote hideout fearful of discovery. Eventually, spies from outside informed them that the coast was clear and they could make good their escape. They loaded boxes full of gold bullion and priceless works of art into boxes and then made their way to a minor port on the North Sea. After paying the captain of a tramp steamer an exorbitant fee, the boat headed for Argentina.
Some months later after being safely ensconced in a remote country villa, deep in the Argentine pampas, Adolf began to wonder about his chosen path in life and the possibility that he may have gotten a few things wrong. He’d been raised by his mother as a Catholic, but had grown to despise the religion. Now that he was no longer terrorizing the world, he had a lot of time for contemplation and had decided he needed absolution. He remembered the church’s teachings on the benefits of confession and decided he needed a dose of that spiritual medicine.
He called his now bodyguard/chauffeur Schultz, telling him to bring the car around as he wanted to go to the town. Driving past the numerous sentries that surround his palatial estate, Adolf and the Schultz made their way to the rundown Catholic Church in the dusty country village.
Entering the church, Adolf saw the dimly lit altar, trimmed in peeling gold paint, and the florin statues of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. He gave a small shudder thinking about all the time he had wasted in his youth going to places like this. But no matter, these guys offered a wonderful free service, a get out of jail free card for past sins. All you needed to do was tell some priest that you were sorry for your bad behavior and he would forgive you on behalf of God. What a deal!
Adolf walked around the church until he finally saw the confessional. There weren’t any superstitious Argentinians waiting in line to confess, so Adolf walked over and yanked the confessional door open. “Come in my son,” came a quiet greeting in Spanish.
Adolf demanded, “Do you speak German?”
“Of course, there are now many Germans in my country, do you wish to confess your sins señor?” inquired the village padre.
“Yes, I suppose I do. I don’t remember the procedure, so what should I do next?” Adolf replied gruffly.
“Kneel and tell me the last time you were at confession.”
Now Adolf remembered what he really hated about confession. Kneeling like some kind of peasant and begging for forgiveness. This was simply not the proper conduct of a member of the Master Race. Reluctantly, he decided a ticket to heaven was worth a little groveling, so he decided to get on with it.
“Tell me your sins, my son,” prompted the priest.
Where to begin, thought Adolf. “I had my armies invade a bunch of other countries and a lot of people were killed. I also had millions of dirty Jews, holy-roller Catholics, thieving Gypsies, and detestable political prisoners sent to the gas chamber. Oh yes, I almost forgot, I told my doctors to do a bunch of medical experiments on mental defectives and other undesirables. But, in my own defense, I was really nice to little blond Arian children and dogs.”
There was stunned silence on the other side of the privacy screen as the village priest thought about the appropriate penance for such a boatload of sin. Finally, he said, “For your sins, my son, I want you to read the entire Bible, both old and new testaments, from beginning to end.”
It was now Adolf’s turn to be stunned. “Read the whole damn Bible, you’ve got to be kidding!”
“If you wish to have your many sins absolved, this is the penance I prescribe,” replied the padre.
“Ok, ok, I’ll read the Bible from beginning to end, so is that it?”
“Not quite, now, say your act of contrition,” instructed the priest.
Adolf thought this was becoming unbearable. “I don’t remember how to say that!”
“Yes, I understand, repeat after me,” came the reply.
“Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but, most of all because I have offended Thee, my God, who is all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.”
A very irritated Adolf managed to mumble the words after the priest and then shouted, “Is that all?”
“Yes, now go in peace my son, and sin no more. Your sins are forgiven,” said the priest making the sign of the cross.
Adolf nearly ran out of the church into the daylight. Heaving a sigh of relief, he hurried to his waiting car and ordered the burly Schultz to take him back to the villa at once. Adolf felt like he had just endured a nightmare, but he now had his get-out-of-jail-free card and he was on his way to heaven.
Several years passed and Adolf continued to live with his Nazi friends and plot their return to power. Adolf never followed up on the promise to read the Bible from beginning to end and he really never tried to sin no more. Still, he slept soundly knowing that he had gone to confession and was now in good shape with God.
As it comes to us all, even the leader of the Thousand Year Reich, death came for Adolf.
Arriving at the Pearly Gate, a very confident Adolf walked up to Saint Peter and demanded entry. Saint Peter looked at Adolf and said “Hold on Bub, not so fast!”
“What do you mean, I went to confession and had my sins forgiven, I demand entry into heaven!” said an incredulous Adolf.
“Do you remember what the village priest told you at confession?” asked Saint Peter.
“No, after all these years, how do you expect me to remember all that mumbo jumbo.”
“He told you to read the Bible from beginning to end, as penance for your many sins and he also told you to go and sin no more. Now, do you remember?”
“Well, yes I sort of remember those things,” replied Adolf weakly.
“Well, those weren’t suggestions, they were requirements. When you failed to do them, all bets were off,” said Saint Peter very sternly.
“You mean I don’t get to go to heaven!” said the now terrified Adolf.
“Yep, you’re going to the other place, but don’t worry, you’ll have lots of company, many of your Nazi buddies are already down there.”
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