Incidents with Animals (and Mother)

Incidents with Animals (and Mother)

written by: Deni Neighbour

 

No, no she shouted, that mother of mine
To the twins who belonged to the sister of me
No animals will ever set
One foot or paw or whatever it is
In my house and that is it.
Well, well I say to that mother of mine
They live here and you know that they’re like
Oh, just because you two got away with it
She says with disgust, birds and hamsters etc, etc
This is my house and that is that.
Oh, how I smirk, as over the years, I watch a parade
Between various creatures galore
From feathered wings to slimy skins
Brenda the ugliest guinea pig in the world
Who made the house stink like a farm
While that mother of mine sat, arms crossed
Staring at the telly, her full mouth pursed
While inside I laugh and dare not show it
My mother goes on ever raging
Saying she’s not having this any more
Cute little Casper the cat got attacked
So off he went with another family without a goodbye
Mother couldn’t believe it
Then into the home come tiny white mice
Like Steve McQueen they made their great escape
They climb up my sister’s shoulder
And the other finds a cushion near my mother’s face
As she lay down with a blinding migraine
The screaming which ensued enabled me to nearly wet myself.
Gorgeous Salem, silky and black
Hates my mother who hates her back
Then she goes on heat, God help us, she’s evil
She traps my sister upstairs with her growling drawl
Her spite and violence frighten us all
Mickey the budgie is the foulest of things
And yet my mother doesn’t mind that creature
My sister loves it when he’s being a sexist beast
Piss off slag he likes to shout out
His disgusting language a mystery
His blue and white feathers flutter and fly
In his lust for his image in his tiny mirror
It quite puts me off my tea
That awful weird bird lives a long, long time
Chirping disgusting comments way past his prime
Darwin the frog is not really much bother
Because he’s in one of the rooms
The only problem is he eats live locusts
Which sometimes escape causing us to all scream
It’s especially distressing when you realise the sound is coming
From the strand of hair right by your ear
Then along came a beautiful boxer called Albert
Mother tells everyone to pack their case
Dolly the snooty white cat follows suit
The lovely Albert loves mother most of all
Dear Albert dies and all are devastated
And everyone is utterly bereft
Quietly a female boxer is taken in
And mother angry there was no permission
Shouts it’s my house and that is that.
Poor Vera the boxer, eccentric and neurotic
Hay fever, allergies, wheat intolerance and a thief
Her lopsided face watches from the window
There’s something not right with her I hear mother say
Obsessively jealous over her owner, she’s like a child who wants her mum
And so, she’s carried up to bed, kissed gently and tucked in
While my mother shouts I wasn’t brought up like this
It’s disgusting putting animals in the bed
Downstairs I laugh and laugh and hold my side
Imagining the chaotic scene in my head
Before she can say anything else, we hear a scream
A ginger flash tears down the stairs
Penny’s fox- like tail and her temper foul
That’s it shouts mother voice ever rising
I’ve had enough of insane animals, all of them have been so bad
And that strange, odd cat is as violent as it is mute.
Penny was given by a neighbour as a kitten
Has grown to be as big as a dog
She’s a bully who beats up her fellow felines
Who isn’t friendly and doesn’t talk.
My mother isn’t happy, no not at all.
One day when all these animals die
There will be no more coming in
And if you think I’ll change my mind
You’ll all be finding your possessions in the bin.
This time I think my mother means business
She sounds strict and stern
But then an animal will end up sneaked in
And I’ll be laughing because she never learns.