So This Is 90, commentary by Nina Taylor at Spillwords.com
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So This Is 90

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So This Is 90

written by: Nina Taylor

 

So This Is 90, commentary by Nina Taylor at Spillwords.comSo life when you’re old is reduced to one measly room in a house full of old men and ladies and staff who tell you what to do, when to eat, when to get up. Just a few paltry possessions- is that it? 90 years reduced to this?

He lost his license, his wife, his mind and now his home and I was instrumental in most of that. The one thing I can’t help him lose though – and the one thing he’d want me to help him lose– is life. I wish I could have given him death for his birthday. That’s all he wants. But I can’t. I don’t have that power. Just the power to do all those other things so that his life now has no meaning.

And I feel nothing- no joy, no happiness, no sadness, no pain- as though my soul is empty. I distance myself from everyone and everything. I’m closed in – just an empty shell doing what it has to do day to day.
I get up, do what I have to, go to bed; get up, do what I have to, go to bed. One day, just maybe, I won’t get up at all.

I’m sorry Dad. I wish I could help. I wish I knew what to do. But I don’t – not now, not ever.
But I will always love you and thank you for all the amazing things you did for me.

Love

Nina

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6 Responses

  1. So many emotions came up while reading this. Sadness, guilt, regret (not on my part), loneliness, pity. Wow. Very well told.
    Can I ask why you say you were the cause of these events that happened to your dad?
    You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

  2. Thank you for your lovely comment. It was a long time ago now but yes there was a lot of guilt. Where to start? When he developed Alzheimer’s I had to take some really hard decisions. He was still driving and I knew it was dangerous for other people so I had no choice but to send doctors’ reports to DVLA to get his licence taken away- but driving had been his job all his life (although by then he’d retired) so I felt I was taking away something special. My mum was in care as she had dementia and when I visited her one day she looked really poorly – I should have insisted that they called an ambulance but they assured me that the doctors were looking after her. But she died 2 days later (I lived quite a distance away) and had to drive back when they told me to come. I always thought that if I had insisted more for an ambulance she might have survived. And finally when he went into care I had to give back his house to the Local Authority (he had lived there all their married life and I was born there) as that is their policy. But I never had the heart to tell him it was all gone.
    Sorry that was probably more than you wanted to hear

    1. My heart goes out to you. You made some difficult decisions where the outcomes weren’t ideal. It must have taken you a long time to get over them. This piece you wrote must have been a part of the healing process for you.
      Maybe I don’t need to say this, but you don’t need to blame yourself anymore. You did what you thought was best and that’s the most any one of us can do. God bless you.

  3. Thank you. Yes it was a very difficult time and it took me a long time to adjust to things and yes indeed writing that helped me deal with my emotions- I wrote it about 10 years ago by kept it private – just my thoughts. Things I couldn’t say to him – I’ve always been more comfortable with written rather than spoken words. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts

  4. this really hit home. i’ve never been in such a situation. my greatest concern is hoping my son never is.
    sometimes a short piece has more power than essay length writing.
    profound.

    1. Thank you Michael. I too hope my children aren’t in that same situation. I guess writing it was one way of dealing with it. Long time ago now. But ……..

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