My Cat is Going to Kill Me!
written by: Claire L. Marsh
@ClaireL_M
I am being completely serious here,
my cat has a pathological desire to off me.
He’s made several momentous attempts.
And before you start
I can reassure you,
like I did the nurse in A and E.
My cat does actually exist!
His photos are all over my Insta.
Just go to his Facebook page.
I’m definitely not hallucinating.
Even if I am, that unicorn is friendly.
I’m also not delusional,
I know people anthropomorphise their pets.
But that’s not what’s happening.
As I told the police officer,
he’s holding a grudge and he may be a sadist.
(He reminds me a lot of my mum)
Just listen please, no, come back!
He’s nine months old, I’ve had him for seven.
Every month he gets bigger,
more wicked, more proficient.
Initially he tried to fake an accident.
Laying in wait midway down the stairs,
I dodged his leaps and pounces.
So, he fired himself between my legs,
whilst I carried a tray of his food.
I hastily avoided crushing his tail,
slipped and fell flat on my back.
The vertebrae made a deafening snap,
as he chewed at my toes and
basked in my screams.
Disappointed I survived,
and bored of stalking a hobbler,
he conceived of a more direct approach.
I went to sleep as normal…
…until…
I woke, gasping and choking.
My eyes grope in the dark for a clue.
A malevolent figure, a large demon
with pointed ears and a tail,
cast a shadow on my wall.
I fuss and muster,
to turn on the light.
It’s Him.
He sits, all furry and evil.
Atop my ventilator!
His butt perched on the one button,
that turns off my air.
I fear my time may be up!
He’s already hatched his plan.
Yesterday, I caught him practicing,
opening, closing the bathroom door
and he’s stolen three electrical items.
I’m hiding in a cupboard with the vacuum.
But I’m running out of supplies,
and starting to smell.
Please send help!
P.S. He answers to the name Floofy,
especially if you have ham.
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