Echoes of Guilt
written by: Adishree Deshpande
The rubber shavings fall from my desk onto the floor. Small particles fell soundlessly from such a height. I feel bad for them, my mistakes cost them a chance to be lost and free. My words that weren’t meant to be on the lined sheet of paper dissolved in a shadow- a job half well done, but the sacrifices were already made. If, maybe I hadn’t written those words, there wouldn’t be a mess on the floor. If maybe, I hadn’t made such mistakes, the eraser would’ve stayed intact, without losing anything. “Would’ve” and “should’ve.” “Would be” and “could be”—a thousand different possibilities, scenarios, and outcomes course through my head.
I stare at the girl in front of me, and then down at the rubber shavings. She stares absently at the whiteboard, thinking about what’s for lunch. Or maybe she is nitpicking every reason, making her responsible for her parents’ divorce. Di- meaning two. Two people are splitting up. Two people are at fault. But one takes the blame the most, while the other hides behind them. The rubber shavings took the blame for me, while I hid my words behind them.
I’m sorry. Those words were imprinted on my sheet, faint, but still there. I rip the page first into half, and then into small confetti pieces. The sound echoes throughout the classroom. Even If I did apologize, it wouldn’t change what’s already been done, it won’t fix my actions.
He won’t forgive me.
I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. Please give me another chance. Words that I wrote and erased a hundred times. I wanted to beg for forgiveness, I wanted to explain myself, and be heard. But I just could not find the courage to do so.
I was scared.
I bend down to quickly pick up the torn pieces of paper and crumble them into a ball. I walk with my eyes down to the trash can. I could see his shoes in my peripheral. I could hear his voice through my loud thoughts and feel his gaze on my back like a laser. I look up, and my eyes meet his.
He looks away. A thousand words spoken with just a glance. A thousand emotions were displayed through that one look of his.
But none were sounded out. None of them was even whispered.
I mindlessly escape the room with feelings of guilt and regret burdening my shoulders.
I step inside the bathroom and close the stall door. With my back against the door and my eyes closed, I wonder.
If only I hadn’t gone out to the party.
If only I hadn’t drunk that one last bottle.
If only I hadn’t stolen the car keys and raced against my adrenaline.
He would still be here, and I wouldn’t have to pretend his presence was alive.
I walk back to the classroom. It was filled with kids minding their own business, yet blanketed with silence.
He was nowhere to be found.
He’s gone. He isn’t coming back. Will you stop acting crazy? Words that were spoken to me mere days after the incident.
I sit back at my desk and stare at the girl in front of me.
They are wrong. He isn’t gone. He is just lost. And I’m sure he will find his way back.
Until then, I’ll wait for him. I’ll wait to say the words I’ve been dying to say.
And then everything will be okay.
- Echoes of Guilt - May 26, 2025
