Mania
written by: Meghan Shultz
@alwaysunstable
Mania.
Racing thoughts. Skin picking. Restlessness. Energy. Fast breathing. Activity. Ability. Increased need. No concentration. Hobbies. Nothing completed. All is lost. All is gained. Fast. Faster. FASTER. Faster. There’s a train going through my head. It’s a steam train. There’s going to be a collision. Faster. Faster. FASTER. Faster.
Mania.
You can feel your heart beating, at a million miles an hour. It’s beating faster than you’re typing. Faster. Faster. FASTER. Faster. You need to type faster. Close your eyes what do you see? Everything. And it feels euphoric. You’re in another world.
Mania.
Your mind is a vault. It stores things, you can’t get them out, you can’t risk it. Focus. There is no focus. Faster. FASTER. FASTER.
Mania.
You need to run. NOW. In that direction. No, the other way. RUN. Fast. Fast. FASTER. Until you collapse. Go home. Go home. Go to the store. Look how bright everything is. So bright. It’s magical. Walk, walk around the whole store, touch everything. Pick up everything. Spend hours, buy a $10 pair of shoes.
Mania.
Clean. Clean everything. Vacuum the carpet, wash the dishes, make the bed, wash the clothes, tidy the living room, mow the lawn, have a shower. Clean. Everything.
Mania.
Anxiety. Can’t sit still. Feel sick. Can’t eat. Want to throw up. Feel like I’m standing on a ledge.
Mania.
Anger. Irritability. Hurtful. Sorry. Regret. Forever sorry.
Mania.
They’re talking about me again. They’re yelling my name. That’s why I get my coffee to go, so I don’t have to listen to them all talk about me. And him, I’m seeing him again, standing at the end of the hall. Just like he always does. Never saying a word. So I run further and further.
Mania. It’s not so great.
- Mania - May 18, 2017
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- A Letter About My Eating Disorder - January 30, 2017
