written by: Nicole Cheng
I was in my pink bedroom,
Playing with Barbie as I groom;
Sitting on the carpet with pigtails,
Teddy bears, tea cups and glittered nails.
Suddenly, I hear the door slam:
They come with evil and damn,
Something malice was happening
As they beat me again and again.
Then, they take me out of the door
In the locked closet as I cry out more;
I was banging and wanting to be let out
But they kept me in there, no doubt
They hate me with all their might;
No parents or adults were ever in sight.
When they come home, they always lie,
They say I was clumsy and they deny
They did something wrong to me;
No one wants to believe me.
I was pushed into doing things,
It was out of anger and frustrating,
Yet, I get punished for all that shit
Even though they started it.
Things have gone more horribly wrong
As Mom and Dad were being really strong
Against my own innocent will as I fall
And I didn’t even do anything at all.
It wasn’t even my fault
And still they locked me in the vault;
It was so small and pitch dark,
I couldn’t breathe as I bark
Out to be liberated,
I felt truly hated
By my own family;
What was ever wrong with me?
I was beaten with bruises and cuts,
They don’t even give a fuck
How much pain I was in,
And how much rain were within.
In school, kids beat me up with words,
Along with punches, kicks and curses;
They even pushed me down the stairs,
No teachers saved me, it’s so unfair
That I couldn’t even speak
Because trauma had to take a peek
To prevent me from being brave
As kids kept beating me to my grave.
Teachers even gave me more harm
As they tried to break my arms
And leave bruises and cuts on my skin
With more tears coming out from within.
They scream and curse at my face,
They called me “bitch of disgrace”;
I was only five or six at this time,
I get home and lie that everything’s fine,
This kept going on for years in schools
Where the kids are being so cruel
And teachers refused to save my life
As they break me in more strife.
I never had any friends
They hate me until the end,
I wished I never even existed;
What’s the point if I’m the clear mist?
At ten, I hear and saw something I’ll never forget
I heard and saw Mom and Dad in regret;
They were in the violent battlefield
Mom wasn’t carrying a force-field.
She was throwing at Dad with screams;
Turned out that this was no dream,
She wanted to leave and never come back;
I was so terrified of the scary attack,
I wanted to runaway and leave
But then they apologized suddenly.
At thirteen, I was forced to be alone
While for months, my parents weren’t home,
I didn’t know what to do; I was scared
That I didn’t know how to take care.
I was hungry and badly broke,
There was barely anything at home;
I was almost living in the streets
With nothing but the concrete under my feet.
I was also close to leave the family
By my own mother, who was very angry,
Though it was for an unfair reason
For what I did that was an accident.
I was screaming and loudly crying
And I was so close to dying
Right in the inside of my heart and mind;
This was the first time I wanted suicide.
As time go by, things have come worst
In junior high when there were more hurts:
I got beaten more by classmates
Who were filled with nothing but hate;
My teachers refused to save me
While other teachers hate me;
Some adults pushed me down
And then let me stayed there on the ground.
They say I was lying
Even though I was crying.
They said they never done anything;
They lied, so I had nothing.
I’d wanted to think about death;
There was no point for my breath.
At fourteen and fifteen, it was high school,
My first year where I wanted to be cool.
I got rid of Barbie and everything pink;
This was my time where I never think
That the past would go away
By the time I changed that very day:
Clothes that are nothing but black,
And purple and gray; no going back
When my ears got pierced
With metaled bracelets on my wrists;
Listening to music in metal and rock
With screaming lyrics that people mock
Just because of their heavy drums,
Electric guitars, darkness and deathly hums;
I had my hair in crazy bright colors;
My eyes were heavily lined and mascara;
I was wearing a dog collar on my neck
And happiness was what I faked lack.
I didn’t know what I was thinking,
Changing myself while drinking
Strong alcohol at an age, very young,
While things became worst and more wrong.
I developed this distressing fear
As I stared at the tall mirror.
I thought I was ugly below the chin
So I starved myself to stay thin.
I rarely ate and I stand on the scale
To make sure it’s low, but I failed
To keep myself stronger like this;
I know, it’s worst; worst as bullshit.
Later that year, I brought the blade;
This was when my first cuts were made
As I brought it to class one day
Underneath the desk when I was never okay.
Now you know the storybook of a girl:
Welcome to the opened door to my world.
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