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Today I Got Fat

written and performed by: Emily Vieweg

@EmilyJVieweg

 

 

I noticed jowls under my chin
girth between my shoulders
and no space between my thighs
or room on the chair for my purse

I wasn’t fat yesterday—even when I got the
full dessert at Applebee’s and steak with
shrimp and parmesan and a baked potato loaded
with bacon and sour cream and butter...

Overnight, from then to now, from there to here,
I got fat.
I judge myself with my eyes now—
when I used to just see me, now I see my outsides.

Where he always sees emotional strength I just notice my
weakness for diet soda and one more thin mint column.

I want to see through my son’s eyes –
the blue-green orbs rubber-cemented
to his laptop, only sometimes available for a chat or a meal

Or through my daugher’s eyes behind the golden shirley temple curls—
she squeals in glee when I return from work
and weeps when I leave—

but I just see fat.

That one sees stars in my eyes and sex in my hips—I turn him on
with a soft reveal of my neck.
Maybe it’s because I fill his arms that he sees stars...

I see crow's feet and tears pooling
begging not to fall.

because I just feel fat.

Today I saw why when I was younger the guys never knocked at my door
or returned my calls—why my messages were always empty or just spam.

Today I feel beaten by my own vanity
the second sin of which I am guilty.

I see laugh lines and
crow's feet and
toenail fungus and
fading tattoos and

Wait a minute!!

I have boobs.
full-size, that guys wish their slim gals had.

Real boobs
that flop to the right sometimes
when the swimsuit doesn't quite
support just right.

kind boobs that smile through a lacey bra
and giggle when embraced into cleavage.

supple boobs nourished by Victoria's Secret silky bliss.

and how about hips.
hips filling out the "curvy" jeans that stick-figures
wish they could wear.

Birthing hips
hips Ancient Greeks would love to grab
while making love in the grass in the rain just outside the city.

I have full hips.
hips that don't need a belt.

happy hips that giggle as I parade in high heels, knowing this
is the time they can sway and seduce him.

I see my thickly thighs with
silvery threads shining in the mirror
these are the symbols of motherhood—

my badges of honor
making me fat.

Emily Vieweg

Emily Vieweg

Emily Vieweg is a poet and playwright originally from St. Louis, Missouri. Her work has been published in Foliate Oak, The Voices Project, Red Weather Literary Magazine, Soundings Review, Art Young's Good Morning, Proximity Magazine and more. Emily's debut chapbook "Look Where She Points" is available from Plan B Press. She lives in Fargo, North Dakota where she is a mother of two, pet parent, data processor and adjunct English instructor.
Emily Vieweg

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