CLASSIFIED – Top Secret
September 21, 2025
To: Colette S. Peters – Director of Federal Bureau of Prisons
Washington, DC 20534
RE: Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary
August 2025 – Presidential Briefing from Special Agent Bob Hope: Aliens Have Landed
Mr. President, Sir, aliens have landed!!
Yes Sir, in Texas, Arizona, and Florida – no, no, I don’t mean Mexicans. These are extraterrestrials – their home world is 30 light years away! Well, I don’t believe they have McDonalds back home – yessir – that may be why they’re here. But Sir, the point is that they are brain eating monsters bent on destroying us!
What’s that, Sir? We are certain they are not Mexicans…early reports suggest their skin color is green, not brown. It is confusing Sir, I agree. No, this is not a put-on by Nancy…she is a low life, yessir.
My God Sir, they’ve taken over the minds of key leaders like Tucker and Clarence! Most definitely unfortunate, yes sir.
Good question Mr. President. There’s no indication that the aliens are Democrats…well, I suppose some of them might be liberals, hard to say at this point. Woke? I will run that by Gov DeSantis.
Sir, please, by controlling our minds the aliens are convincing us to destroy our own world! The CIA has sent this highly classified report [hands file through bars to reclining figure watching TV] …umm, Sir remember we planned to trust the CIA to a certain extent. It is a generally well-regarded agency. By many in fact. President Putin may have suggestions? Excellent thought Sir, we’ll get him on the phone immediately.
At any rate, the alien methods are insidious – their plot is well-advanced, and most people are unaware! No, not even Laura or Alex – incredible, absolutely. The invaders have deployed mind altering prions – a sort of virus – in areas of our government like the Senate and Supreme Court and throughout the country. Older white people seem more susceptible but that’s a preliminary finding. You’d like what? Of course, we will announce a total ban on face masks. Uh Sir, could we focus on this now? I will record Fox and Friends for you to watch later. Perfect, thank you Sir.
As I was saying, the alien prions are destroying peoples’ intellect – uh that’s intelligence sir. Well, things like judgement, memory, the ability to assess risks and consequences. Uh, we haven’t yet identified most of the affected…we do know they’ve hit the economists hard. I don’t think they would dare attack the White House, of course not. Jim Jordan? Sydney? Rudy? We certainly hope not. But the aliens are also crushing human empathy! Empathy? That’s an emotion, a feeling of concern for others. Yes Sir, actually many people feel empathy. It is hard to fathom, I agree.
So, by damaging the brains of our people they are causing us to release untold numbers of poisons into our air and water, burn our way through enough coal and oil to heat the Earth to unheard of…yes, a furlough to Mar-a-Lago would be extra refreshing in this situation. I’ll get right on that…a conjugal visit? I can set that up – this is a list of Bachelorettes to invite, very good Sir.
At the rate they are going, these monsters may eliminate humanity and take over the Earth! Our scientists have discovered the aliens thrive in an atmosphere of sulfuric acid at a temperature of about 250o F! They plan on moving their families here as soon as we are gone! I will offer them a discount if they book at your hotel. It is an opportunity. Perfect.
The scientists are telling us…yessir they are eggheads and know-it-alls; and you find their women are not very attractive? Besides, Tucker thinks we can pin this on Chuck and Nancy? I’m good Sir, I don’t want a hamburger right now. Thank you.
I did ask the scientists to brief you, but they declined. Actually, they have chartered several SpaceX vehicles and are boarding as we speak. Abandoning ship? Un-American? I suppose one could look at it that way. They have Elon and Jeff with them – good riddance? I see, that would be an upside to the whole thing, wouldn’t it?
We’re keeping this strictly under wraps until DOD and Homeland Security can study…perhaps tweeting about this could be viewed as a tiny bit premature Sir. Blame this on the ‘open-borders’ Dems? Tell the aliens to go back where they came from? Brilliant sir, but right now we’re being advised to sit on this. Because there could be panic in the streets – people could get hurt! We can definitely try to ship the aliens to Sanctuary cities. The Democrats will put them on food-stamps, that should do the trick! I’ll get back to you on that. Thank you, Sir.
Bruce D Snyder, a retired physician, lives cautiously near Minneapolis where zinging bullets provide a nice breeze to help with the latest heat wave. He is married with three children and various grandchildren and works on the public health effects of climate change. He writes to try and forget the news. His stories Blue Man, Who the Hell Wants to Live Forever, and Aliens Have Landed have appeared in Spillwords Press; Ollie's Garden was published in Red Rose Thorns Magazine; stories Remainders, Reminders and Running on Snow appeared recently inLiterally Stories.