Pain, prose by Benedict Hurley at
Zoltan Tasi



written by: Benedict Hurley



Pain (22nd of March 2019/2 am)

I can’t sleep

I don’t know what to do, I am torn between feelings of loss and fear and believing things will get better. My head hurts and I feel like everything is coming in on top of me. My money goes like water and even though I try to tell myself that I’m not broke, I just can’t see it.
I have asked for help, but I have been turned down, I know it’s all my own fault as I was given loads of help before, but I just keep going around in circles. I feel like I’m on top of my problems and then BOOM something comes along and knocks me back. Recently I changed my car and it was going fine until I put something into the fuel thinking it would be ok only to end up destroying my engine. I got it fixed but now I owe €1,576.00 which I don’t have and don’t know where to get it. I don’t want pity I just want to be able to feel better, stronger, safer even. I watched others go through the same things I’m going through right now and I always said I would never follow in their footsteps, but I am! I owe over €35,000 and I don’t know where I can get that kind of money, I have asked my bank they said no, I can’t ask my Credit Union because they have already tried to help me and I waisted that help, Christ why do I keep doing this to myself?!
What must my family think of me? My friends, work colleagues, all have tried to help me in one way or another but, I just keep going backwards.

There have been times, recently, when I’ve thought about giving up, ending it even. If I didn’t have 4 beautiful children to live for, I think I would not be here now. I know that sounds horrible, but I truly could not see a way out other than ending my life.
I’m doing my best to stay strong, but it is so very hard, living alone and with Depression does not help. Being alone is my fault and the Depression is a symptom of that I know, but it makes life so hard as I write this tears are flowing and I am sobbing like a baby in need of its mother’s love.

I just want this pain to go away

Benedict Hurley

Benedict Hurley

I’m a singer/songwriter who writes the odd bit of poetry. I live in Cobh, Cork. I work as a Porter in a local hospital.
Benedict Hurley

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