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Carol's Diary Entry

written by: Samantha Beardon

 

I consider myself level headed, not prone to flights of fancy. In fact, some of my friends see me as prosaic, down to earth, and prone to go for the ‘jugular’ when I am annoyed, or people behave inconsistently.
Here I am 35 years old, divorced, and looking for Mr Right; although I am failing miserably. Internet dating has been such a nightmare. Granted, I met some nice men, but they haven’t been the right, nice man. There was the one with the funny walk, the one who sniffed, the teeth. Oh I know, I am being shallow, but I find such things off-putting. I have my list of prerequisites for my future life companion. Sniffing just doesn’t make the grade.
At the moment I am sitting curled up on my squashy sofa holding my smartphone, and I am tempted to throw it across the room.
What a stupid cow I am! I have taken leave of my senses, committed a cardinal sin.
I put the phone onto the table and pick up the glass of white wine, taking a huge swallow. My sitting room is usually a calm space with the Aztec design curtains, the beige walls and cream furniture with the splashes of colour in my cushions and Knick knacks--but not today.
I feel beads of perspiration on my upper lip, my face is hot and steam is about to come out of my ears. I put my glass down on the table and pick up my closest friend, my diary. Opening to the correct page I unfasten the pen from its clip and stare into space for a few moments trying to gather my thoughts. Then I write.

Dear diary,
Today I have made a complete fool of myself!!!
What was I thinking of?
OMG, I have so lost the plot!
What happened to my mantra, take relationships slowly don’t give thoughts away?
Apart from anything else he’s a figment of my imagination... how come he feels so real?
He is a man I am playing an online word game with, I only know what he tells me! He could have a funny walk!
Why does he feel so real??
Because I AM FILLING in the blanks, well... my mind is! I know this.
I know I know... sooo stupid... why did I let my mind override common sense?
How did my big mouth run away from me?
Stay-cool Carol, has turned into Brain-Dead, Love-Struck Carol.
NO! It won't do!
I so need to get my act together.
So dear diary how do I play it?
Cool and carry on as if I didn't say it, or apologise and play it down…
hmmm... I think apology will rake it up, make it worse!
Will he be running for the hills? What will he be thinking?
Ohhh, I am so glad he lives 5000 miles away.
Hang on Carol, regroup
Apologise????
OK, I went over the top expressing my feelings, but do I really need to beat myself up for being such a dork?
Sounds like a better plan than grovelling.
Oh!!
I called a cyber-acquaintance, my one in a trillion man, amongst other things!!
Oh squirm, squirm what an error of judgement!
I know we have no future... just fun and flirtation. The trouble is with all his flaws I am drawn to him... I blame that stupid hormone oxytocin. It plays havoc in relationships.
Now listen, brain and body! This relationship is not real, it’s a fantasy. So hormones, just cool it!
I want some no-strings attached fun!
(Don’t I?)
So, dear diary,
How shall I play this out?
Answers on a postcard.

Samantha Beardon

Samantha Beardon

Writer and Silk Painter from the far east of the United Kingdom.
Loves to read History, historical novels, fantasy and some romance.
Paints silk mostly wearable art.
Loves games particularly Scrabble and word games, plays at every opportunity online and at home.
Interested in relationships and what makes people who they are in general.
First novel Converging Lives, first poetry book Caught in Passion.
She showcases poetry and relationship issues on her blog Converging Lives Poetry and Prose.
Runs a Facebook group for poets who want to learn and debate: Rising Moon Poetry.
Samantha Beardon

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