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written by: Anushka Maheshwary
I don't think I can ever love
It's not worth all that, this I've learnt
It's too much to let go of for that one person,
And there's more than a slight chance that they won't even love you the way you love them.
It's hard to put into words, it's hard to even breathe
It's like slow death, the sweetest of all poisons, but poison nonetheless.
You love them and they say they need space,
You give them space and they need time,
But that's a trap for if you let them have the time they say they need,
They'll no more need you.
I'm sounding more and more like a cynic,
It's as if I am seeing this world through a clouded lense, a sceptic mind, these days.
I don't think I really do fit in anywhere,
And I'm realising that it's got less to do with me
Everything to do with them, the people I call my friends.
Some days I feel like shit and some days I can't even stand them.
I don't hate them, but I will (sooner than later).
I know this though I can't wait to get away, to start anew.
It's funny how only a year ago I'd been naive enough to think that I'd finally met my bunch,
Two months ago I found myself writing "me and my girls" -an ode to my squad,
And now I have to will myself from deleting it
Because I still love them (I have high hopes).
I tell myself to push a little harder, to go that extra mile for our friendship,
But I can see there's no us anymore and maybe there never really was, maybe it was all a façade.
We've come this far only to walk away from each other.
I'm drained, dead even, but for the most part I'm sick,
Sick for hating them when all I want to feel is love.
I have dreams (more like nightmares)
I'm flapping my hands in the air,
Grappling with the need to feel love,
All I get is the dark and the quiet.
And then I'm falling.